Fi Friendly Pages

Just a quick one

2011-01-29T09:34:00.001-08:00

An update in Finally Fi is all that is really on offer this week...

Although I DO have some good news...

I am now an official volunteer with Nowra Family Support Services and I am looking forward to working my way up to two days a week of work (unpaid)...

And I've caught up with three lovely friends this week - love to Janet, Rach and Kylie!

See you all next week

And don't forget

Finally Fi

I have a plan....

2011-01-22T13:07:00.000-08:00

Yep I do - and I am very happy about it...

12 months at home, finishing my Mental Health Cert IV

and then to Canberra for three years to sit my BMus

and then (hopefully) the Graduate School of Medicine!!

Its a good plan and it fills me with peace and inspiration at the same time which I think is a great thing! Enough momentum to keep me moving but not too much to cause me to collapse in a heap! And time to enjoy life and the gifts that I have been given: my family, my friends, my kids, my voice....

Its all good :)

Check out Finally Fi

Leah's Life

Hannah's Happenings

and Caleb's Childhood

there's a little bit of something happening everywhere!

Home again - home again

2011-01-07T21:20:00.001-08:00

For those of you who don't know, I have moved back home with my folks.

This is for a number of reasons - among which is my de-stabilisation over the past few months (remind me not to do anything drastic to change my life in the spring or the summer!)....

It has been a rough road but it has brought me closer to my parents and for that I am eternally thankful.

And I am eternally grateful for all of your love and support as well.

No great updates at this stage - Leah has had school sore but was also awarded the Principal's Medallion at the end of last year. Hannah has just gotten back from Sailing Camp where she had a ball and Caleb is getting excited about starting school.

And I have started two new facebook pages:

Fiatricks

Fiatricks

Fi Friendly Fashions

Fi Friendly Fashions

Don't forget to stop by and have a little look-see

Love you all
Fi

She's Leaving Home.... Bye Bye

2010-11-06T16:28:00.000-07:00

Hey there guys! What has been going on this past couple of weeks?

10 days in hospital - first and Mirrabook and then at Wollongong PECC unit
A BRILLIANT recovery experience at the PECC (Psychiatric Emergency and Crisis Care) unit
A new (short-medium term) home in Nowra - with walking distance to everything that I need
The chance of a long-term stable home (still in the process)
A reworking of my finances to a place where I can manage them much more effectively
A change in my acute and recovery care models
A greater understanding of Borderline Personality Disorder and how it fits in with Major Clinical Depression
A chance to set goals and start moving towards bringing some of my dreams into reality

AND

A chance to see Casey Donovan and Toni Child's in concert!!!

So yes - a big week.

Check out:

- Finally Fi

- Fi's 'Flections
- Fi's Friendly Friends

and of course, for the latest on the kids:

- Fi's Friendly Family

Love you all and thanking you all for your support during this time....

Daring to dream??

2010-10-19T04:12:00.000-07:00

Hey there!

It has been a very hard couple of weeks -

* MASSIVE amounts of progress in counselling - hard but SO good
* Steps forward along the career path that I have chosen - it feels like such a great fit!
* Uncertainty about the agency I have chosen to work with - frustrating but still interesting
* Agony over a friend's decision and another one's vulnerability - heartwrenching but boundary developing.
* Difficult decisions about who I am, where I am going and how to get there - who says that growing up is easy?

And to top it off, we are all riding the emotional rollercoaster as we watch a dear family member suffer with a horrible illness...

But I am not only surviving! I am living a great life! One of positivity, and forward direction and hope.

And hope does not disappoint!

Love you all.

Moving forward...

2010-10-05T07:39:00.001-07:00

But I bet Ms Gillard cannot make THIS claim to fame:

I can now officially say that 18 months on... my recent past of extreme suicidality is now squarely IN THE PAST!!!

April 2009 was the last of my 21 suicide attempts - 16 between 2006 and 2009 al- each of varying levels of lethality - my final one probably the most severe...

But the grin cannot be wiped off my face as I contemplate the magnitude of this milestone for me personally and knowing that every time this milestone grows, it is becoming a FANTASTIC reminder of where I have been as compared to who I am today which only excites me even more as I contemplate what future is in store for me!

Thankyou to everyone for their support - and for those of you who still doubt? Just watch me now!!!

Oh... And check out the updates in:

Finally Fi

And

Griffiths-Peel Memoirs

Love to you all!

Fi's Excellent Adventure!

2010-09-24T16:13:00.001-07:00

> Here's me! I am not generally a big fan of photos of myself - it is quite outside of my comfort zone to share most of them - but this one I like! Maybe because the smile indicates that I am actually happy instead of just smiling for the camera because that is what you're supposed to do!

"Why is Fi so happy", you ask?

Well I will respond with some questions of my own! - "What can you see in the background of the photo? Would that be the setting of a NSW Cityrail diesel train out of Bomaderry? Hmmm.... And could it be the first Saturday of the NSW school holidays?"

YES!!!! I am on my way to Broadmeadow to get the kids! Can you tell that I'm excited??? Lol!

It's been six months since they've been to Nowra and I am so excited to have them at my place again! Nanna and Poppy are revved too I think!

Later today I will be posting links to our latest blog updates (I have been a little slack in the past few weeks!) When you see that the linkies have actually been linked to a hyperlink then you will know that the blog update is done!

Fi's Friendly Family

Finally Fi

Love to all!

And stay in touch - I'd like to try and update the blog regularly whilst the kids are here...

Thanks

Fi
--
I think I'll try defying gravity...

Another week - another post

2010-09-05T07:45:00.000-07:00

But this one is a little different...

The last few weeks have been really rough - I have been processing a whole lot of stuff and all of it has been quite significant! Thankfully this coming week though is filled with physical distraction which should give my poor mind a much needed sabbatical!

You will find updated posts this week in:

Fi's Friendly Family (look under Leah's Life, Hannah's Happenings, Caleb's Childhood and Griffiths Memoirs - its all happening lol!)

Finally Fi

AND

Fi Friendly

Enjoy the rumage through my mind - and as ever - if you have any questions - just email me ;)

Love you all!

A weekend in Tamworth

2010-08-23T06:59:00.000-07:00

Catch up with the latest family visit at

Fi's Friendly Family

I know its been silent for awhile blushes

2010-08-14T03:12:00.000-07:00

OK but NOW I have stuff to update you with! So be sure to check out

Finally Fi
Hannah's Happenings
Leah's Life

I have also got to update Caleb's blog - but I am waiting on an essential photo from mum's phone - so I will come back to that in a couple of days!

Happy reading

Love you all!

I, Borg

2010-07-15T02:02:00.000-07:00

Yep. That's me. I'm all wired up for my sleep study tonight. Its pretty funny. I am all wired up with a computer (little) strapped to my chest, a pulse monitor on my finger (making typing interesting!)monitors on my chest and abdomen, wires all over my face and even in my hair.

When I got back out to the waiting room for Shane to give me a lift home and I commmented on my new sci-fi look, he told me I looked like a Borg! LOL!

Oh how I wish that I had a camera to capture the look! The show starts at 11pm tonight and will be all over by 7am tomorrow morning when I get to de-wire but looking in the mirror makes me giggle at the moment!

And to add to the Star-Trek theme, the rubber attachment that will monitor my pulse tonight as I sleep, looks like a runabout!

I always wanted to be a part of Star Trek somehow (and actor was my thought) but not quite like this!

Oh what fun we had!

2010-07-11T03:17:00.000-07:00

Yep - we did everything on my list! (well we tried to at least)

We were up early on Wednesday morning and down to the beach to dig and chase waves; we had morning tea with the kid's grandparents; we cooked pancakes; we went exploring; we played monopoly (even the kid's is loooong - especially because Hannah kept bailing Leah out!; we played in the park; we had a deep spa bath (and soaked the bathroom - damn those jets!); we read Narnia and Jennings (but I didn't quite get to Rivers because the Eldredge book I am reading at the moment is taking me more time and thought than I expected); we snuggled and pjed it on Thursday morning; the kids went to Kids Club in the morning and watched movies and played games while I sat in the beautiful sun and knitted and sang; Leah and I went out for "coffee" and some girl talk while Hann and Caleb chose Kids Club again in the afternoon and came back with some wonderful canvas paintings to hang on my wall; we tried to watch an in-house movie but unfortunately the TV wasn't working (or the connection or something); we had dinner with the kid's grandparents and an interesting microwave cake which was more bread than cake (it was an experiment in the first place so I am just glad that it was edible!). We chatted and played and jumped on beds (well the kids did at least) and wandered along the foreshore on dusk.

It was a beautiful time full of happy memories and lots of cuddles.

I can't wait to do it all again next year!

OH and sorry - no pics. I didn't have my camera and Leah forgot to bring hers...

Oh well - the memories are seared onto my heart and theirs too I think. That's what matters.

Oooh SO excited!

2010-07-06T04:06:00.000-07:00

Three whole days (well more like two because of travel time) with my kids!

I am on the 6:43am train out of Canberra tomorrow morning (with much thanks to Bel and Bill for being my early morning taxi)and will arrive in Port Macquarie at 7pm tomorrow night!

Three nights at the Breakwall Tourist Park in Port Macquarie in the Spa Riverside Cabin.... fun snuggling, pj's early, early morning walks, latest release in-house movies, reading Narnia and Paul Jennings (and Francene Rivers for the grown-up), colouring, cooking, writing scripts (Yes Leah and Hannah have written a ballet - stay tuned!) playing in the park, digging in the sand, chasing the waves and then warming back up in the hot spa....

Oh I can't wait!

My three babies and me all together - we make quite a fun little family!

Watch this space around Sunday/Monday for photos!

DEFINITELY not a teacher!

2010-06-28T01:19:00.000-07:00

Well tomorrow marks the second of my two work experience days of being a teacher librarian at our local school...

It was fun last week working with a range of kids from Kindy right through to Year 6. They are all so bright and inquisitive! But leaving work at 1:30pm I did feel exhausted... I really loved the K-2s but I found the 3-6s to be really hard work - if you weren't right on top of some of them they would just divert their attention...

While I love the kids I am fairly sure that I couldn't operate at their speed everyday! So check that one of the list...

I DON'T want to be a primary teacher or a teacher librarian!

But I will still have fun tomorrow!

This news just in....

2010-06-12T02:24:00.001-07:00

Leah, Hannah and Caleb's pages have been updated!

You can find them at:

Leah's Life

Hannah's Happenings

Caleb's Childhood

Blogging from a far off land...

2010-06-11T06:01:00.000-07:00

Hmmm.... I think I may have had my head inside my fantasy novel for too much of today! :)

Travelling with a good book is almost as good as travelling with a good friend. I hardly noticed the stops fly by on the train until just outside of Canberra. The only downside was the nausea I had (and the need to put the book down) on the Countrylink bus between Albion Park and Moss Vale!

Caught up this morning with Liana over coffee and chicken nuggets (well, those were for Ronan). Maeve is absolutely gorgeous and I got some good bubba-cuddling time in with her too!

In Canberra for part of the long weekend while I reclaim my stuff from my old house here and ferry it (via a gallant knight named Bel) back to Nowra to be sorted through and tossed or stowed safely away...

Then it is in for an interesting week of appointments - but not before a couple of hours covering books at my local school. Doesn't sound too glamourous but I like it and in effect it is about all that I can do at the moment until my police check is cleared! Hopefully by the end of this week I will have a clearer picture in my mind of what will come of volunteer/paid work that my DEN is investigating on my behalf as well as a few other bits and pieces I have up my sleeve...

Hope this finds you all well.
Fi

A birthday update!

2010-05-26T22:49:00.000-07:00

Yup. Its my birthday! Celebrated with bacon and eggs for breakfast, pikelets for afternoon tea and a Roast for dinner! Yay! Oh yes - and flowers from Amy and Ella (and Lynton) - and they're very pretty!

Not much word yet on my secret project but I'll give you a hint - it involves yarn! Lol!

Managed to find out this week that I will be working and the library one day per week once it is tee-d up and depending on when my school day is and when my library day is, I may be starting lead-lighting and/or creative writing with the Junction.

So it looks like life is slowly coming together - although it does feel a little slow atm!

Love you all.

Something in the making...

2010-05-16T17:56:00.000-07:00

Yep... I am working on a secret project... I can't wait to reveal it to you... but I'm not quite ready yet.

Watch this space!

In other news:

I have just gotten back from Tamworth where I had a beautiful Saturday with the kids going to the library, shopping in the cheap shop and feeding ducks and playing in the park. The sun was warm and the kids were happy and it was just beautiful!

And after a short meeting today, it is looking like I will become an assistant to the Teacher Librarian at my local primary school (just across the road from me!) a couple of days a week in a voluntary capacity. The principal is lovely and she needs to talk to the librarian and I need to put paperwork together but it is looking promising. I always wanted to be a teacher AND a librarian - so this will be a good training ground!

And I have finished a pair of socks! Here's the second one! It has taken me a good few months - but they're finally done!!!

Oh yes, and Aiden and Owen's vests were posted out last week!

Oh! And Feeties! For Amy (a looong overdue birthday present!)

Oops - almost forgot - I also updated Finally Fi about a week ago too if you want to keep up with the inner workings of my mind!

And that's about it from me at the moment.

Reading: The God I Love
Watching: Not much
Listening to: Alanis Morisette
Knitting: Baby clothes!

Love you all...

The week in focus

2010-04-30T20:52:00.001-07:00

What have I been up to this week?

Some knitting
Some appointments
Some sleeping (sick Fi - yuk)
Some thinking (See Finally Fi)

Nothing really exciting to blog about.... still working on how to upload voice memos to itunes so that I can post my songs into Fi Forte... will get back to you on that one...

Love you all

A vest for Aiden!

2010-04-21T04:39:00.000-07:00

Phew! Assignments Sat/Sun, Canberra Monday, recovering Tuesday and
quick trip into town today before finishing this baby this afternoon!
Not bad I say!

And am now just having a study break. All energies this week will be
going into finishing Owen's vest now and catching up on Old Testament
(I am a little behind *shhhh!*)

Drs tomorrow and seeing Lee on Friday (and maybe Rach??). A nice week
all round methinks!

Today: 8/10

My babies have gone home... :(

2010-04-16T07:35:00.000-07:00

Yep... That's them on the train yesterday - happy to be going home but
sad to be leaving mummy. I was so proud of them at drop-off though.
Hannah didn't want to let go of me but nobody cried - I think knowing
that we will all be back together in 30 days went a long way to
helping us all through it. I am just praying now that they will be
settled for Steve and Bec this weekend and for school next week.

Filling my days today and for the next little bit with catching up in
my OT assignments! TGness for extensions!

Yesterday: 6/10
Today: 8/10

Reading: Kaiser, Yancey, Brunner
Listening to: Sarah McLaughlan
Watching: Computer screen lol!
Knitting: Owen's vest (nearly done yay!)

Oops! Must add photo!

2010-04-15T05:28:00.000-07:00

Forgot to attach it - silly me!

Need to make sense of this crazy garble? See the post before this one!

A lopsided photo...

2010-04-15T05:27:00.001-07:00

This was taken yesterday when Aunty Shell and Beau came with us for a
scooter to Cambe park and a lunch of hot chips. Fun was had by all and
Aunty Shell and I even managed a long over-due catch up!

Yesterday: 7/10

Reading: I love my mummy; Paddington at the Carnival
Watching: Beverley Hills Chihaua (again!)
Listening to: Meditation tracks by Peter James
Knitting: Owen's vest and Aiden's jumper

-
Simply Fi

How to Train Your Dragon and The Last Song

2010-04-13T20:42:00.001-07:00

We went with the Bristows, Jaya and Elise to the early bird sessions!
The girls went to see the Miley Cyrus flick while Ollie, Caleb and I
went to watch Hiccup and Toothless! The movie was awesome - the
special effects were great and the storyline was moving and funny!
There were some great action sequences and the voice talent was
excellently cast..

And the girls were left wishing that they had chosen the action movie
over the "sad" one...

Oh well ;)

Yesterday: 7/10

Listening to: Integrity
Reading: The Magician's Nephew, Angelina Ballerina and My Silent
World
Watching: How To Train Your Dragon

-
Simply Fi

Photo of the show!

2010-04-12T05:11:00.000-07:00

It was a FANTASTIC day at the Easter Show - I have never been to Olympic Park and I was suitably impressed!

I had a ball too! The kids were great and even got a positive comment on the trip home from the woman sharing the same section of the train carriage with us!

Showbags and stuff-your-own teddies for everyone! (and a new pair of sunnies for mummy!)

Yesterday 9/10

Today 9/10

And tomorrow? Off to the movies!

Cooling off at Callala (not that it was all that hot!!!)

2010-04-10T19:55:00.000-07:00

Had a lovely time yesterday at Callala. Went to the Bay first to play at the park and then around to the Point to try and avoid the sea-weed. Not so lucky on that front - but the kids were happy enough to play in the creek (even despite the sea-lice!) and built castles and a "foot pond" on the shore.

On the way out mum took us over to the Beach to show me the new housing developments at the end of Lennox Road. I don't think I have been down there in over 10 years and WOW! The houses are enormous! I'd hate to see a really big King tide come in one year, shoot up the creek and flood them!

Church today and then the Easter show tomorrow so stay posted!

Also have added a new entry to Finally Fi if you are interested in following my introspective journey.

Yesterday: 9/10

Friday: 8/10

One sock down...

2010-04-09T19:56:00.000-07:00

And one to go to make a pair!!! Just gimme a few more days!

What I'm working on...

2010-04-08T06:25:00.000-07:00

Aiden's vest, Donna's socks and Owen's vest... And they're all coming
together quite quickly now that I actually have the time and the
headspace for them...!
Oh yes - have also updated Finally Fi if you're interested in the
ruminations of the Fi!
Love you all!

Photo of the day - again err... yesterday!

2010-04-08T05:16:00.001-07:00

Yesterday: 7/10

Today: 9/10

Reading: Shrek the Third, Amazing Bible Adventures, Daddy's Lullaby, The Fairy Talent Show, The Magician's Nephew

Listening to: Michael W. Smith
Watching: Bolt, ABC Kids, Playhouse Disney
Knitting: Donna's socks, Owen's vest

This was from yesterday whilst visiting at Rach's house! Hannah was over the moon and satisfied her craving for dressing up by burrowing to the bottom of Elise and Jessie's dress-up box. Leah found several fab outfits - including this Beauty and the Beast style ball gown and Caleb revelled in the fact that he was allowed to run around in nothing but his undies! (He did dress up but not for long!).

Love you all!

--
Simply Fi

Photo of the Day (well... er... yesterday)

2010-04-07T20:51:00.001-07:00

A trip to the library, followed by a hike to Marriott Park (the die-hard favourite park!) and a play with Jacob! What could be more fun???

Simply Fi

Exhausted

2010-04-06T07:15:00.000-07:00

I don't know if it is the meds, being a single mum, the level of activity and mental space that I have had to sustain for the kids sake or all three but I am totally bushed! And we haven't even been going for a week yet!

Oh but I am LOVING every minute of it!

Today: 8/10

Reading: Luke, Billy Tibbles Moves Out, Lettice and The Magician's Nephew
Listening to: Brooke Fraser - What to do with Daylight
Watching: Beverly Hills Chihaua
Knitting: Donna's socks!

Keep your eyes peeled for updates - Leah is currently working on another blog entry for the Griffiths Memoirs page - and I think I will get Hannah and Caleb to work on some contributions too...

Love you all!

-
Simply Fi

Photo of the day...

2010-04-06T04:14:00.000-07:00

A park, a train and another park!

2010-04-05T04:01:00.000-07:00

That about sums up the last two days!

Sunday: 5/10
Monday: 8/10 (much better Fi!)

Reading: A New Kind of Normal
Listening to: Jewel (still!)
Watching: Hannah Montana *sigh*
Knitting: Aiden's baby vest (nearly done!!!)

Yesterday was church, veg-out, a trip to the park with Ella on scooters (for all of 10 minutes before the skies opened up again!) and then a family dinner with Amy, Lynton and Ella - Jake and Mel even dropped in for a surprise visit and Leah was given a belated birthday present - some ladybug jewelery which she loved!

Today was a train trip to Kiama to meet up with the Whittens for a play and a cuddle of baby Maeve - Leah wrote all about it in Griffiths Memoirs or find it under the Fi Friendly Family page on the left side of this page...

It was a lovely time even though it was an overcast day and the kids missed out on the beach. Maybe later in the week...

Don't know what we are up to tomorrow - I really don't mind what it is as long as it doesn't start with another 5:30am start - DAMN YOU DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!

Love you all
--
Fi

Days one and two with the kids...

2010-04-03T04:05:00.001-07:00

Yesterday: 8/10
Today: 6/10

Reading: Revelation
Listening to: Jewel - Lullaby
Watching: Little Einsteins ("We've got the magic firebird feather!),
Handy Manny, Hannah Montana and The Velveteen Rabbit.

Yesterday was long but relatively relaxed. Mum and I met the kids in
Maitland and they travelled back to Nowra well despite the fact that
it was four trains, one bus and finally a car ride back to Cambe!

Today was a veggie day despite the fact that we were up at 6:30am!

We had planned a trip to the park with the scooters but the skies
opened up as we were just about to leave - but the kids were fairly
good about it, instead filming auditions for the Disney Channel's
casting call for When The Bell Rings - my starlets shone as I taped
their auditions - just have to work out how to edit it now!

Church tomorrow and then maybe a visit with the Whittens on Monday
although I have yet to make plans with Liana about that...

Love you all and remember..

"Love makes us real"
-
Simply Fi

More of The Velveteen Rabbit (the movie)

2010-04-03T00:19:00.001-07:00

"Love makes us real"

And

"Loving makes us real"

-
Simply Fi

The Velveteen Rabbit (the movie)

2010-04-02T23:25:00.000-07:00

"Everything that's real was imagined first"

-
Simply Fi

Finally Coming Home

2010-04-01T02:25:00.000-07:00

I had no idea when I released the lyrics to Finally Coming Home in the the last blog (see Fi Friendly Forte) that it would be almost prophetic.

And yet here I am. Back in Nowra. To stay (at least for the rest of the year). You can read more about it in Finally Fi but be warned! it IS long!

I am getting ready to pick up the kids tomorrow too! Looking forward to it! And in honour of the fact - I am launching Fi's Friendly Family (be sure to check out Leah's Life as we have some exciting news to share on the Leah front!!)

And I have also launched Fi Friendly Fiction with a piece I wrote over Christmas. Please be sure to read the disclaimer right under the title of the blog.

Oh well - that is me for now. Off to bed so that I can be up at 5am with mum to meet the kids at Maitland!

Wide open...

2010-03-25T19:36:00.001-07:00

OK so far I know this much...

Travelling to Sydney on Wednesday 31st by train.

Travelling to Tamworth on Thursday 1st by train.

Picking up kids at 9am on Friday 2nd and travelling back to Sydney by
car.

Royal Easter Show (as promised) on Saturday 3rd.

The rest is wide open! So check your diaries/calendars/PDAs/phones!
The kids are in town! If we can fit in a visit we will! If we are
booked into something else, maybe you can join us???

For Nowrarians I would prefer to visit either early in the first week
or early in the second (on out way to or from Canberra) but I am open
to suggestions...

The kids go home on Thursday the 15th - so call/txt/email me and we
will see what we can tee up!

-
Simply Fi

It's about time!!!

2010-03-23T07:40:00.001-07:00

Did a bit of running around today in Gungahlin after a blissfully
peaceful day at home yesterday!

Learned how to write blog posts in the form of emails!!!

Spent some time in Dickson this afternoon finalizing a 200 word
reflection that I have been meaning to get to for almost three weeks!!
(see Fi Friendly Filosophies)

Launched a new blog
(see Fi Friendly)

Had dinner with Timothy and went to my new life (Mission Heart) group
in Giralang. Got off the bus too early and ended up walking in the
wrong direction for quite a hike. I don't think Tim was too impressed
with my navigational skills! Thankfully, Kelly came to our rescue and
picked us up!
Lesson learned: trust your gut even if the signs are telling you
something else!

Switched the blog back to a public forum and launched a second blog
(see Finally Fi)

Love you all!
-
Simply Fi

Testing mobile device

2010-03-22T19:32:00.000-07:00

> So you're actually telling me that I can write blog posts from my
> email rather that logging into blogger and going through the
> dashboard???
>
> Does it work?
>
> -
> Simply Fi
>
>

Reconnecting

2010-03-22T06:28:00.000-07:00

I FINALLY caught up with Rob, Bec, Millie, Carby, James and Kailee in the past week! Something that I have been trying to do ever since I got to Canberra awhile ago!

Had a good long chat with Rach, Steph and Lee today.

Have been in and out of hospital this week as I have learned to face some of my deepest fears and weaknesses.

Have been learning so much about honesty, integrity and customer service (or lack thereof).

Have almost complety sorted out consent orders with Steve (waiting on Australia Post and solicitors now).

Am having 14 WHOLE days with the kids these holidays!!!

Have launched a new blog (see Fi Friendly Forte in the left margin)

Love you all!
--
nah! I've got better things to do!

PLEASE NOTE!!!

2010-03-03T18:17:00.000-08:00

Hey all!

It is time to move away from identifying myself as Fiona G.

I am not and have not been for a long time.

Therefore, in honour of this, I have changed most of my id back to my maiden name and request that you all update your email...

The new (or rather alternative and preferred) address is:

flou77@gmail.com

Thanks!

THE FRIENDLIEST FI PAGES!

2010-03-03T17:55:00.001-08:00

Welcome to the NEW Fi Friendly Pages!

There are a few differences so take your time to look around! No longer will you be hit with a 10 paragraphy lengthy wordy piece that you have to wade your way through - as per my dear friend Lee's request - the Home page will be in point form - sound bytes for what has been going on in my life. That way, I can keep you all updated on a weekly basis but then upload to the other pages as I have time.

For example:

Fi is home again and waiting for papers to be served....

May be enough for you if you have been on the phone to me recently and just want to know where I am up to. But if you have NO idea what I am waffling about - click on the Fi Friendly Family page, and you will be able to find out the details of what have been going on...

Which brings me to my next point... given the above "sound byte" you can see that my life has taken the turn that I have been trying to avoid for the past three years. We're moving into a realm of needing be sensitive about what is said. As as result, I have made the choice to lock down the blog for now. I have some international followers who will be very disappointed with this, but given the circumstances that may unfold for the next unknown period of my life, I want to be able to post my thoughts and feelings (this IS after all an online JOURNAL) and share that with my friends and family, without fear of it being used against me. It is going to be a stressful journey and I have come to realise that I am a writer - something I always wanted to be as a kid - but a medium that I am only just coming to discover. And if I am a writer - if that is how I best express myself - it needs to go somewhere and I have always thought that filling notebooks that get thrown out at the end of the day is a waste of effort, money and trees. This journal has two purposes - 1) for me to express myself and 2) to keep me from repeating myself verbally as I continually catch family and friends up on what is going on in my life and therefore dwelling on things that I cannot control... Read it if you wish - don't read it. It is entirely up to you. But if you want to know a little more about me - then here it is...

I know that a couple of blogs have raised concern in the past but please let me reiterate - these are my THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS. Please don't read into them anything that is not explicitly there. I AM NOT in the business of implication. I hate it. Truth is the way I have always tried to operate - despite illness, stigma, confusion and fear. I have always been someone who has taken life at face value and I don't mince words. It is simply not me. So don't look for hidden messages in my writing. It is not there. That might make you feel uncomfortable at times but after 14 years of misdiagnosis and hiding myself away because I feared that the world would react to my illness and not me, it is OVER. This is who I am. I will make NO apologies for it. I never have had. This blog has never been about telling you what you want to hear. It has always been an extension of who I am and what I know.

If I am worried about myself - I won't be blogging it. I will be heading for the local hospital. The last week is case-in-point of that. And you will be able to read about that as I iron out the final kincks of the site and have time to post about it.

I was holding of re-launching the site until I had it perfect but since I have had a couple of emails saying "we've got your invitation but its to your old blog and there's nothing new on it", I have decided that I will relaunch the site now.... The pages down the side index to the left have links embedded in them but when you get to that page, the latest blog will not show... I am still working on that.

But keep your eye on the blog. It may not be updated daily but it will be as I have time...

And as for Uncle Grahame's question? Yes it is free to get a google account. It won't cost you a red cent. Just go to gmail and sign up and then you will have access to your own free gmail account, google docs, picasaweb, blogger (you can create your own blog!) and a host of other great google applications! I love google personally!

So here goes.... crack the champagne bottle over the bow of this site!

WE ARE OPEN FOR BUSINESS!

The Getting of Wisdom...

2010-02-07T18:48:00.000-08:00

Lee and I sat and talked after church on Sunday afternoon...

In the wake of the past few weeks of days where the entire day is engulfed by a bus running late or an unexpected event taking place, Lee and I talked and it became clear that I am coming to a point in my life where I really need to be able to readily discern wisdom for myself - knowing what is God being in charge and providing and what is simply me doing my own thing and having it backfire spectacularly on me!

Let's take the past 48 hours as an example...

Denise picked me up from Kingston station at around about 10:30pm on Sunday night and we drove home. We dropped in at Wollworths in Dickson on the way home. I was exhausted

At 11:45pm I WISELY excused myself with the intention of putting myself to bed - but first I had to download the bus timetables to work out how on earth to get to Gungahlin.

I joined Fernwood last week and started the 12 week "Get Foxy" challenge on Monday. I was booked in for a 6am group training session on Monday morning - but the car was out of action so I needed to catch a bus...

It turned out that the ONLY buses than ran from Civic to Gungahlin left from the OTHER side of Dickson.... The logic in that? I don't know, but this little birdy is going to be singing suggestions in Action's ears about alternate Xpresso bus routes after my little adventure over the past 48 hours...

I discovered I had to walk 5km to catch the closest bus into Gungahlin that would arrive in Gungahlin just before 6am!

I thought - yeah - I will leave at 4am because I don't know how long it will take to walk from home to Dickson College. When I had walked from North Lyneham into neighbouring Lyneham on Australia Day to meet Timothy THAT alone took me almost 30 minutes to walk - with a limp, granted - but still, Dickson was the next suburb over again...

The other thing that I should add here at this point was that I had not slept... By the time my computer (which has a very SLOW download speed) had downloaded all of the appropriate bus timetables and maps it was nearly 2:30 and instead of discerning the WISE course of action, which would have been to catch 2 hours of zzz's, I decided to pull an all nighter surfing the net...

I was only working until 4pm that day I reasoned - I could come home and crash at the end of it... early night - no worries!

So I set out from home at 4am - not knowing how long it would take and not knowing how far it would be (if I had known at that stage, I probably wouldn't have attempted it!) - again, discerning the WISE course of action.

By the time I hobbled to a stop at the bus stop (new sneakers as I had left the old ones in Nowra on Sunday afternoon - thinking that I was being WISE in not carting too much luggage home with me), I sat for two minutes feeling rather triumphant that I had walked 5km (had checked it on Whereis via my mobile after I had realised that I had been walking for a REALLY long time!)! After the glow subsided, I wondered where the bus was? I pulled out my phone - it read 5:28am...

I had missed it by 2 minutes!

After half an hour and no bus, I started to worry that I was waiting at the WRONG stop as I couldn't readily call the exact route to mind and I didn't even know where Majura street was. So in my WISE discernment, I so hobbled across to what I thought was the RIGHT stop (blisters all over my feet by this stage).

I waited for another 20 minutes and thought that perhaps I was at the wrong stop again, so I WISELY hobbled a little further down the bus route. As I sat down at the stop I saw the bus I was trying to catch turn back onto my street another 200 metres down the road!

So I WISELY decided to ring a taxi. By then it was 7am - I had definitely missed the gym but still had another hour to get to work (gear in my bag)- WISE move Fi! As I started to make my cab booking - my credit ran out - I had used it up checking out Whereis.com - WISE move Fi!

So I sat back on the bus stop seat and closed my eyes and prayed. As I opened my eyes - the bus that I had been trying to catch - heading back into Civic approached!

Great! That bus goes out to Russell, out to the airport and then loops back into the city! I will get back to the city and catch the express to Gungahlin and still be in time for work!

So I hopped on the bus and dozed off...

I was woken up by the bus driver saying - bus terminates here, you have to get off - (need a WTF smiley!)

The next bus back to Civic was due in 10 minutes...

At 7:30am I txt my boss with my last txt and asked her to call me. I explained that I was going to be a little late - no worries - she would wait for me. Each bus that turned up, terminated at that stop and became a school run. At 8:25am I stopped one of the drivers and asked when the next bus would be back to Civic? Yeah - 10 minutes

So I called Vodafone and begged them to give me some emergency credit. They gave me 10 minutes of free talk time. So I rang my boss back and explained the situation - she would drop her eldest to school and continue to wait for me. I rang Bel and asked if I could arrange a lift but dh had the car - she would ring me back once the kids got to school.

At 8:45am I pulled up the next bus driver - he got off the bus and looked at the timetable posted at the stop. In my exhaustion, I hadn't noticed it.

9:18am

FINALLY once on the 9:18am bus, we began the LONGEST route possible back to the city

My boss called - how far away was I?? When it became apparent that I was not going to make it into the CITY until at least 10am - the bus snaked its way through Brindabella Business Park, the airport, and when my boss had called me, was makingits way THROUGH ADFA (I didn't realise that buses were allowed onto military sites!), let alone across to Gungahlin, she told me not to come in today - that she would take the day off.

So annoyed at myself, I talked it all through with Bel when she called to see where I was (just after my boss had hung up.)

So on the way home, I went to the motor registry and transferred my licence to an ACT one, and found out exactly what I had to do to get my car re-registered in the ACT.

It turns out, that my brother, a mechanic in NSW, couldn't do my rego check for an ACT licence - a fact that I had not considered as I drove the car to Nowra on Friday for my brother to register and repair.

Instead, I had to take it to an ACT approved registration inspection station to get it checked and if it failed, I could then apply for a two week permit to drive it around until the faults were dealt with.

WISE move driving the car to Nowra Fi - I muttered under my breath!

After I finished at the registry, I hobbled over to the bus stop and as I saw the bus approaching - I did not look carefully enough at the number. As the bus drove past me, I realised that it was one of the buses I needed to get me home and when I checked the timetable I saw that it would be another half an hour to the next one.So, I WISELY decided to hobble from Northbourne Ave over to Mouat St where there would be a third bus route alternative become available...

While waiting at Mouat St bus stop - decided that I would rather be ON a bus and moving rather than waiting for the right bus - so caught the bus into Belconnen.

While there I finalised my volunteering ACT form for a Mental Health support program called Connections (me supporting others that is), and ducked up to the library to join and check out the services. While sitting at the computer at 1:30am trying check my email - so that I didn't have to pay for it at home - I started nodding off at the computer, so I WISELY decided to cut my losses and catch the bus home.

At home, I had a massive meal of chicken and bacon meatballs and then fell, exhausted into bed at 4pm.

And that was the last I saw of Monday...

My housemate, Denise, came in at 8am this morning to ask if I was going to work today???

I start at 8am!

I borrowed money from my flatmate (I had only enough to last me out the week on the buses) and caught a taxi to work - arriving just before 9am

Peak hour traffic!

My boss left for work and casually called over her shoulder when she left that her husband would be home somewhere between half an hour and two hours...

I am going to be fired!

But when my boss's dh got home, it turned out that he had a day off and just wanted to be free to just hang out and relax.

So I spend the day with A playing and hanging out as per usual.

In the afternoon, H went up to the school to pick up his 5 year old C, which was lovely because I didn't have to manage two bikes!

And when boss got home and I signed off, she joked that she would txt me at 7am tomorrow morning to make sure that I didn't sleep through my alarm...

Then, as I had spent all of my remaining money on the cab fare to work - it turned out to be more than I borrowed off my flatmate - I wandered up the hill to Bel's (yep - just around the corner from my boss) to beg for a bus fare...

Bel did one better and drove me across to Melba for another job interview.

When I got there, the lady came to the front door and told me that she had found someone else and was going to email me tonight (thank's for the txt lady!)

So Bel graciously turned around and came back for me.

So I sit here tonight, in Bel's dining room - SO glad that I have friends like Bel, who would go out of their way for me!

I will sleep here tonight JUST to be doubly sure that I am NOT late for work tomorrow!

And then tomorrow night I will be picking up my car!

The getting of wisdom has been and will continue to be, I am sure, an interesting journey...

So God said to him, "Since you have asked for this and not for long life or wealth for yourself, nor have asked for the death of your enemies but for discernment in administering justice, 12 I will do what you have asked. I will give you a wise and discerning heart, so that there will never have been anyone like you, nor will there ever be. 13 Moreover, I will give you what you have not asked for—both riches and honor—so that in your lifetime you will have no equal among kings. 14 And if you walk in my ways and obey my statutes and commands as David your father did, I will give you a long life." 15 Then Solomon awoke—and he realized it had been a dream

1 Kings 3:11-15

Resurrecting dreams...

2010-02-06T16:15:00.000-08:00

Many of you will remember 1998.

It was the year I "officially" transfered from ANU to UOW although I had been studying cross-institutionally as of Deceber 1997 through summer session.

On the first day of O-Week, 1998, I was wandering around the University grounds thinking wistfully that if two years ago, I hadn't chickened out of all of my voice auditions at the end of 1995 then perhaps the whirlwind of the preceeding years might never have happened.

What if I HAD auditioned for voice and gotten into the BCA (my first choice) as Karen and I had planned for the 18 months leading up to our first year of uni - at that stage, even WE were on rocky ground because in she felt abandoned because I, in my own self-doubt, had bailed on the plans and dream we had been nurturing for so long.

1996 and 1997 had taught me SO much.

I learned that it was poor choices of individuals that caused so much pain and grief. I learned that God could not protect me from the consequences of mine and other's actions and choices, good OR bad. That was the stain that sin left behind.

"We like sheep have gone astray. Each of us has turned to his own way. But the Lord has laid on Him, the iniquity of us all" 'sing Baa Baa Do Baa Baa' Isaiah 53:6 HUH!

(Thanks for that Colin ;) )

I leaned that no matter how far away I tried to push God, that He was always right there.... waiting.

A later Barlow Girl song sums up that lesson for me perfectly:

"God I never could repay You.
You gave everything.
Without you, where would I be?
You still loved me even when I
pushed you away.
You stood there and waited,
till the day I'd return."

And after 12 months of drowning my pain in alcohol and sexual relationships, and in the wake of an abortion and the abandonment of the one man whom I was convinced was my "forever" man, I FINALLY returned. After the relentless knocking, I FINALLY opened the door once more...

"Here I am! I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears my voice, and opens up the door I will come in, and eat with him, and he with Me." Revelation 3:20

(Thanks to Colin Buchanan again! That verse now goes with me everywhere I do!)

The next 12 months (1997) were a whirlwind - confidence building in the first six months or so and confidence destroying in the next three months, and then once more, three months of confidence building.

That first semester of 2nd year taught me so much about myself; my dreams; desires; passions; talents; gifting; faith. I finally started to find my feet in an adult world. But then came my breakdown and subsequent (mis)diagnosis of Bipolar. In those next three months I discovered that all of the vibrance and activity of S1 yes, had come from me and yes, had come from within but yes, was totally driven by me - and THAT was what God needed to redirect.

It got to the point where I could not get out of bed in the morning (well, usually around lunchtime)until I had read half a dozen chapters of the bible. I could find no strength at all in myself and had to rely entirely on God for my motivation and inspiration.

As things started to slowly open up once more, my confidence started to return, I continue to date at a distance, my college sweetheart Timothy, although with all of the pain of Matt and Oliver haunting me, as hard as I tried, I couldn't make that work...

But I did start getting involved in life again - I took a couple of Skillshare job-readiness short courses, I sat for my Ls for the second time and started driving again, and in December of 1997 I enrolled for two summer session courses at UOW which eventually ended in HDs and a transfer to UOW.

And so I learned my third lesson in two years -

"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing." John 15:5

(Thanks to Elizabeth George - Beautiful in God's Eyes - for that lesson!)

So as I wandered around the UOW campus on that first day of O-Week bemoaning what I saw at the time as a wasted 2 years of pain and anguish, my newly re-aligned confidence kicked in and I wandered up to the Creative Arts Faculty where I talked to the admin assistant and enquired what I had to do to put together an audition for the BCA intake for 1999.

The assistant directed me to Sub-Dean's office - David Vance.

When I knocked on the door and was invited in, I catalogued for him my background, experience, voice type, training and recognition.

David then sent me downstairs to the head of the voice department - Jane Edwards - to talk further.

Upon chatting with Jane, she asked me if I was free at lunchtime and could I sing for her? She wanted to get an ear for my voice.

So at lunchtime, I met Jane and Vanessa (the piano lecturer/tutor) and sang through a couple of rusty HSC pieces.

Jane then conferred with Vanessa and then approached me.

"We have a staff meeting this afternoon. It is not set in stone yet, I have to take this request to the staff. This is highly unusual, but I would like to put it to the staff that we accept you into the BCA for this year - for 1998. Would you be interested in that?"

It was all I could do to keep my mouth firmly closed and nod...

I floated out of the university that afternoon - ME??? I knew I had a nice voice but to by-pass a highly competetive audition process which usually involved an intake of about 10 voice students out of 7,000 auditioning musicians...

ME???

Every dream that I had held dear from the moment I began to sing in my infants school choir began to stir in my heart. Maybe I would get to perform in a chorus capacity in London's West End after all???

So with great hope and passionate dreams, I began a new journey of far more formalised training than I hade ever imagined. As the weeks progressed, I became so grateful for my short-lived violin, then piano, theory, clarinet and voice training over the years - it had given me a natural ear for music forms that I had never really explored before.

I was introduced to the world of the symphonic, the chamber orchestra, all forms of classical music which moved me to tears in ways that I didn't realise were possible.

And then came the Opera.

With a classical background as a voice student it was only natural that I should continue to develop my voice in this way - but I fought it SO hard.

Chasing at my ankles was the haunting taunts of my highschool tormentors. Because I was a soprano, I was dubbed by those who wanted to bring, at times a quite arrogant, performer back to a reality that was less than what I would accept.

I became known as "the OPERA singer" - and I hated it. I would adamantly reply that I was a MUSICAL THEATRE singer - that was my great love and desire - and that I hated opera and would never sing it.

But when you have a voice that - my teacher one day said - had the potential to develop in the same way Dame Joan Sutherland's voice had - it is an extremely natural thing to move from classical (which I had always tolerated because of technique training) into opera.

Jane coaxed me, coached me, berated me and even one afternoon became completely frustrated with me - she heard some sort of an "impediment" in the way I was pronouncing my L which she even went and got another lecturer - Lotte - to come in and listen to.

I didn't realise it at the time - but sub-consciously, I was doing it on purpose - the more concerned Jane became about it - the worse it became.

Jane knew what I was capable of in her gut - and so did I - but try as I might - I could not 'acquire' the operatic sound that she knew was just sitting under the surface there somewhere... I was too staunchly convinced that I WOULD NOT become and opera singer - I WOULD NOT succumb to my tormentor's prophecies.

In July of that year, I barely passed my peformance module.

And in August, in a moment of complete frustration with Jane, I walked away from the degree entirely.

I did at once stage approach David about returning to the degree, but as I had been originally admitted to the degree in extremely priviledge circumstances and as he felt that I had wasted that opportunity in the fact that I only received 51% in my performance module, he stipulated that I would have to chance it with the next 7,000 auditionees and re-audition.

By then, Steve and I were going through the throes of getting married. I decided to go back to English and Theatre studies and just see what the next 12 months would bring...

The next 12 months brought Leah into our lives and I guess in some ways, that was the final nail in the coffin for my developing vocal career - children and a performance career did not gel well together in my mind - so all hope of re-auditioning for the BCA then flew out the window.

In 2005 we were living in Tahmoor. On Anzac Day of that year, I auditioned for Jesus Christ Superstar. I had seen the ad in the paper - I was scaling down my work for Creative Memories and I was looking for something more structure, more reliable, more fun and with less responsibility to fill my nights. Superstar would be perfect!

I LOVED the show and I had wanted to get involved with our little community theatre group - Picton Theatre Group - so after the day in the city with Dad, Mum, Steve and the girls, we caught the train home - I got off at Picton and Steve got off at Tahmoor withe girls...

I had a call-back later that night and was asked to consider sharing the role of Mary with another auditionee. It was however, the first night of three audition sessions - so things could quite possibly change...

I was still excited however. I had never been asked to consider accepting a lead role before - I had always played chorus or character support roles!

At the end of the day, the director, Peter Novakovich, chose Sarah over me for Mary - the woman whom I had been asked to consider sharing the role with. It didn't worry me in the slightest. Sarah and I became fast friends over the course of the show and beyond - she is still a great inspiration for me to this day...

And as it turned out, when Peter rang to explain that Sarah had been offered the lead role I in turn consoled him - "Its OK Peter. I just found out that I am pregnant with my third child - it would be very 'DaVinci Code' to have a pregnant Mary and I am fairly sure that you would want to avoid that from a directorial perspective!"

The following six months were some of the happiest of my life - I had resurrected my voice! Sure, I sang when I went to church, I had even been on the worship team a couple of times - but vocally, there was very little challenge in that.

It turned out that I was the only true soprano in the cast and so I carried the weight of the chorus harmony on my own - we had a couple of other young sopranos whose voices were still developing but didn't have the power of a late 20s trained voice - and Sarah lent an note or two off-stage where she could, but again, she tended towards an s2...

And of course, John 19, involved all sorts of avante-garde-style vocal gymanstics which pushed me vocally into areas that I had never been before.

It was a very exciting and liberating experience.

In 2006 I went on to do Les Mis with Peter - but this time with his own home-grown company WOFTAM in Campbelltown - my ALL TIME favourite musical - which I knew back to front but had never had an opportunity to see live. The only performance of Les Mis that I had seen was the 10th Anniversary recording from Albert Hall - but even that was enough to take my breath away...

Again I played chorus - I didn't actually audition as I was having breast-feeding issues with Caleb at the time and had decided - very reluctantly - to sit this show out - but when word got back to me that Peter had lost his only soprano - apart from the beautiful Wei who was playing Cosette, I contacted him and offered my help.

And the rest was history.

Again, Les Mis took me to heights of performance and vocal development and strengthening that I had never pursued before and my confidence soared - HOW ON EARTH had I chosen to walk away from this? Just opening my mouth and singing was SO fulfilling! I did not need a stage or an audience - just rehearsing in the bowels of the theatre as we warmed up was enough to make my heart soar!

I was determined to work in amatuer theatre for the rest of the kids young lives and then perhaps pursue a return to music studies at the Con in Sydney?

Three days after Les Mis closed I was hospitalised with the first of 16 suicide attempts in response to major depression, misdiagnosis and poor medication management...

And I have spent the past four years emerging from that black hole.

My marriage has fallen apart, my kids have been moved 500km away from me because I became too ill to care for them, the love of my life has remarried and it has now been revealed that the 14 year diagnosis of Bipolar was completely wrong and neither is the diagnosis of BPD right.

After an hour with my GP last Monday, another half an hour with the practice nurse and then a 15 minute conversation with my psychologist - it has been absolutely CONFIRMED that I never had Bipolar, or even a personality disorder. What I DID struggle with was major depression which is what led to the three original suide attempts that I had which was each a response to a major trauma and ensuing grief.

The subesquent 17 suicide attempts have been put down to medication reactions, sub-conscious placebo responses to diagnostic criteria, extreme confusion and depression.

I DO have a creative personality. And at times that may mean that I talk a mile-a-minute; stay up excessively late trying to work through an inspiring thought in my mind,; act gregariously because I have the capacity to FEEL so intensely; or act dis-jointedly because in my capacity to FEEL so intensely, I can access the FULL gamut of emotions...

And ALL of that can be worked on with increasing self-awareness and personal development....

And speaking of personal development...

A week ago I dropped into the ANU School of Music - thinking - "How cool would it be if I could re-audition for the BMUS and bring my studies to completion back here at the ANU where my academic journey all began".

So I made some enquiries and was given the head of the music program's email address - Alan.

Within less that 24 hours of my initial email, I received a response - and the academics are all still on holidays!

He has put me onto the voice teacher's websites and I am still waiting for a response from the soprano teacher - I am hoping to study under her for 12 months and then audition for the BMus for 2011.

HOWEVER, he as also offered to listen to me sing and give me appropriate tips and pointers as I seek to continue to develop my voice and prepare for the audition....

The HEAD of the ANU SOM wants to hear me sing! And he will be ON my audition panel come the end of the year - as will my voice teacher - if she does indeed accept me as a private student...

This year keeps getting better and better... dreams that I thought I would NEVER again have access to are once again resurfacing and I am realising that under God NOTHING is impossible if it is in line with His will...

"With man this is impossible, but not with God; all things are possible with God." Mark 10:27

Its called a pedestrian crossing - LADY!

2010-02-01T14:54:00.000-08:00

I started work yesterday with my beautiful two girls in Amaroo - C and A.

C's mum took her up to school for her first day of Kindy in the morning so A and I headed into Gunghalin town centre for a wander around the shops, a trip to McDonald's and to buy C a special "starting school" present - to help A understand that her world was going to be a little different nowadays - but that it was something to be celebrated - so we chose matching pens for the girls so that when C came home from school in the afternoons, the girls could sit there and draw together - something to look forward to for A!

A was so perfectly behaved all morning!

When I arrived at 8am, C was champing at the bit to get to school, so her mum and dad (who was on his way to Sydney - guess who gets to be part of the Edinburgh Tattoo at Moore Park - SO jealous!!) bundled her into the car and headed up to the school before 8:30am - A (who had been promised a bus ride) was desperate to catch the bus so we headed off too....

We got to Gunghalin just before 9am and went to Gloria Jean's for a strawberry chiller and a babycino... then we wandered around the shops for a while. A scored a balloon from the shop attendant at Millers which was great because I knew that C would be coming home from school in the afternoon with a balloon as well (an aide to help the kindy's stay together in their classes initially - they each get given a particular coloured balloon - their teacher has the same colour and they just need to follow that balloon or colour around for the morning - how clever - and necessary in a school with 8 kindy's!)

So we window shopped for a while and then bought the special pens for C and A and headed across to McDonald's which was very exciting because by then A trusted me enough to let me hold her hand ALL the way across the car park, across the road and ALL the way to McDonald's - we'd spent the morning building up to that!

As A and I headed across the road there was a car in the distance. We weren't jay-walking, we had crossed at a traffic island. As the car roared up the street, the driver was forced to slow down as by the time she got to us we still had 5 - 6 steps to take to make it to the median refuge point. A 2 year old toddling along at toddler speed and me limping on the remains of my broken leg...

She pulled a face and as I looked back at her as she roared past she screamed out "LEARN TO CROSS THE ROAD SAFELY LADY!"

So me, in all of my poised gracefullness, replied, "Its called a pedestrian crossing - LADY!"

As A and I headed off for her well-earned ice-cream I realised that this poor woman must have arrived at her destination perhaps 30 seconds late, possibly flustered, and more possibly in a bad mood.

And I realised all of a sudden (having been primarily a driver of late) that there was ALOT of value in the recent RTA pedestrian campaigns. We really DO need to slow down on the road and accept that pedestrians have just as much right to be on the road as we do.

It also highlighted a long-term sticking point for me - which is that you cannot judge a book by its cover and nor can you truly relate to some unless you have (harkening back to my Girl Guide days here) "walked a mile in another girl's shoes".

That lady had NO concept of how long it took a toddler to cross a road or (quite obviously) how long it would take a limping person to cross the road. And while perhaps I could have waited for her to pass, my judgement wasn't all that off - I just hadn't wanted to rush A across the road or helped to facilitate an unnecessary fear of cars or the road...

So yes - please - when you next pass a pedestrian crossing the road - smile and wave at them! Please don't dish out tomes of abuse!

Fi on Friday!

2010-01-30T00:25:00.000-08:00

One of my best buddies - Rachel - rang me yesterday afternoon for a catch up...

Rach is one of the most beautiful people in Nowra, whom sadly, I have had to leave behind for my Canberra adventure.... Its the love and the beautiful heart of people like Rach that make me miss Nowra incredibly and why I am planning on travelling back to Nowra once a fortnight for weekend visits... That, and my heart for New Future New Hope...

Rach has a wonderful husband and two beautiful daughters, the youngest of whom has Autism. Building a relationship with Rach and her precious family over the past three years has taught me so much about Autism, so much about Leah and so much about myself... I wouldn't have come as far as I have if it hadn't been for the support and love of Rach and her family, and other dear friends like Steph and Kev, Lee and Janet and Liana and Gav...

Jessie has blossomed over the past three years as well - and from a rocky start - and a heavy amount of initial distrust, we have weathered many storms together and I have learned so much about hyper-stimulation, sensory intolerances and about listening for the beautiful gems of wisdom that Jessie will often come out with at the least likely of moments!

Jessie and I are now firm friends and just prior to leaving for Canberra, she would start out the school week talking about Fi on Friday and looking forward to the end of the week when I would drop in for an hour (or sometimes more!).

No doubt, remembering Fi on Friday, Rach picked up the phone yesterday afternoon and called for a catch-up...

It was SO good to hear her voice! I had been missing her terribly!

We talked about my week and her week, we talked about the kids all starting back at school. We talked about musicals and Rach shared an idea for a birthday present for Leah - inspired by a Christmas present for Jessie which she had loved and was a very tactile experience (read Autism here...)

And then we chatted a little more about my journey - how Rach had felt that I had changed somewhat - seemed quite different over the past couple of months - and how my family were still struggling with and coming to terms with that.

Rach expressed concern - as had my family and my doctors - at my earlier posts leading up to hospital and I was able to share with her - what I will now share with my blog followers - a revelation that dad and I had on the way home from Mirrabook on the 21st...

When I had met the kids FINALLY at Maitland station at 1pm on January 12th we sat down to lunch at a little cafe with their grandparents John and Helen who had just driven them from Tamworth for the second time in 48 hours...

Helen had a copy of some photos that had been taken by Steve's brother's ex-MIL at the wedding. The kids were desperate to show me - and I steeled myself - I had always known that I would see photos of the wedding but I had hoped that the photos would just be of the kids in their bridal party garb and one or two of the happy couple.

As much as I was truly happy for Steve and Bec - it still hurt that he had chosen another over me - and always will.

So we looked through the photos and the kids started telling me all about their day.

The girls had been up until 11pm the night before the wedding, and from all reports from John and Helen, you never would have guessed it because they were perfectly behaved all day and into the evening at the reception as well.

As we flicked through photos of Steve's brothers; John and Helen; Jessica (their cousin); and her grandparents; and came to photos of the bridal party - the girls started to tell me about Ema (Bec's) bridesmaid.

She was Bec's best friend from high school and her name was Leah. And she was married to a Tim. And I think Bec also has a cousin called Hannah?

So many little connections that on their own would have been insignificant, but together started mounting towards a bigger picture....

Then the girls showed me the photos after the ceremony...

After the ceremony, everyone went outside the church. Steve, Bec, Leah, Hannah and Caleb were each handed a little white box with a window in it and the words The Griffiths Family. Inside each box was a butterfly.

As a symbol of a new beginning - everyone released their butterflies.

As I looked at the photos of the butterfly release I murmured "How beautiful" and yet I thought, "How sad - I am no longer part of the Griffiths Family."

As I fought back tears, Hannah then told me "her story" that she had been adamant that Leah was not to share as Leah had explained the butterfly ceremony.

As the butterflies were released, one flew back to Hannah and sat on her arm. And it wouldn't leave. It stayed with her for the rest of the day - even got into the car with them to the reception. At the reception, she told me, they had to let it go because it had a broken wing.

I held my breath as she told that story... This family that Steve had been building - all of the connections - everything seemed SO right - there was so much confirmation even in the little things...

And yet this butterfly? How could I not read symbolism into that? How could I not see myself as the butterfly that had returned and in the end had to be released because of its broken wing?

And as events unfolded with Hannah over the next 24 hours - how could I not see symbolism in the fact that the butterfly (me) had returned to Hannah of all of the children and would not leave?

When my parents met me at Central they began to become concerned about me. Dad said that I was talking non-stop: a mile-a-minute.

What I didn't realise at the time, and what they had feared, was that I had somehow gone into overload due to the events of the past month and a bit, more recently due to Steve's remarriage, and even more recently that than due to being stranded in Maitland with no money and very little food for over 48 hours...

Yes - I had gone into overload - but not due to those events - I was totally at peace with the journey that I had been on - but rather due to the butterfly ceremony and the symbolism that was never far from my mind...

I went into overload - subconsciously trying to make the kids holiday the best one that we had ever had and desperately trying to push all thoughts of Steve and his new family from my mind....

Mum and dad to this day believe that there was no spider. That I was delusional. The ambulance officers never looked at the bite site as my leg was in a compression bandage before they arrived, and two hours after arriving at hospital, the doctor inspected the site to find no puncture wounds and no marks despite massive amounts of swelling which had been put down to my broken leg from less than a month earlier.

I disagree - but you know what? Its really not important. Whether I was still desperately trying to deny that my family as I knew it was finally irretriveable and had been pushed to the bounds of delusional or whether my pre-hospital posts were just an intelligent mind putting 1 and 1 together and getting 1.1, it really doesn't matter.

What matters was that my parents feared the worst and requested that I go to hospital.

And as a result, a new journey has begun.

I spent 6 days in hospital under very close observation.

I got the confirmation that I was pursuing - that my understanding of my illness was in fact correct and that I was not manic, delusional or psychotic.

I was released into the care of my father, who after several meetings with my doctors had also come to accept my diagnosis.

I now have a rocky journey ahead. I haven't spoken to most of my family - bar my brother Shane and my father- in over 10 days now.

They have not contacted me, and out of respect, I am maintaining my distance.

There is alot of hurt, alot of delusion, alot of confusion and a past marred with lies, manipulation, fear and a desperate attempt to hold the world at arms length because I had no idea of what was going on myself - let alone how to explain that to those closest to me - even my husband.

This is a road that is going to be marred with potholes, pebbles, rocks and boulders - it is steep on both sides - and at times I feel like I am navigating it blindfolded.

But I am not. My Father God is here, my brother and best friend Jesus is walking right beside me - and the Holy Spirit is guiding my feet.

I am not alone - and neither is my family.

I am trusting in this with all of my heart.

And as Rach suggested, I am pressing into God, searching my heart, and praying that when I finally am reunited with my family that I will have the discernment, the wisdom and the humility to relate honestly with each member of my family and not cause anyone to stumble anymore.

So please, pray for me. Pray for my family. And pray for restoration.

A continuation of God's work...

"In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Philippians 1:4-6

Precious

2010-01-29T23:48:00.000-08:00

OH WOW!

Denise and I went to see Precious on Thursday night - our neighbour had gone away at short notice and had already paid for tickets - so Denise and I headed out for a little treat - neither or us had been to to movies (except for kids flicks) in nearly two years.

When Denise asked if I knew anything about the movie - that Oprah had something to do with it and that Mariah Carey was in it but had been "prettied" down for it, I remembered seeing images from an ad somewhere - either on TV or the internet? I just remembered a very large African American girl dancing...

So I thought that it would be a nice flick to go and see...

OMGness!

This film will hands down win the Academy Awards for 2010 - I am almost certain of it! Avatar will take out Special Effects, Animation and Soundtrack - but the rest???

I am not a betting person - but if I were....

What unfolded over the next two and half hours was a script, story, setting and acting that is unparalleled to ANYTHING I have ever seen before - and I am a BIG lover of inspirational stories.

It was acted superbly, with incredible respect for the confronting and difficult subject matter that it dealt with.

That this film is based on real events absolutely devastates and floors me.

I spent most of the film in tears... desperately trying to hold it together for the sake of the ticket-payers sitting next to me...

In so many ways, it mirrored my life, in others, it was not quite autobiographical - but there were so many real-life touch points for me that my world was completely rocked in the two and a half hour screening.

DO NOT go to this movie expecting a piece of fluff or a nice, slightly-confronting- inspirational piece.

It is SO much more than that.

Be prepared to be confronted, challenged, horrified, disgusted and yet uplifted and inspired as you watch hope grow out of some of the most devastating and horrific circumstances.

If The Passion of the Christ made you cringe and weep, expect the same from this film.

You will walk away enlighted, empassioned and with a VERY healthy respect for victims and survivors of sexual abuse at the basest level.

But DO go see it.

It will probably become the defining film of this generation and almost definitely - this decade....

Photos!

2010-01-29T19:50:00.000-08:00

Yay! I have finally worked it out!

Here are the photos from Lake George on the 24th January...

I don't know about you, but I reckon the scenery is significantly greener now than it was at the beginning of December...

A greener pasture...

What's that? A dam with water in it???

From the car...

And here are a couple of the kids over the January break...

Opening Christmas presents....

Matching cards!

And here come the Santa presents!

Hannie loved her present! Look!

Caleb and his cars!

Leah and her jewelry...

Beautiful Hannie

Leah and wormie!

A busy Caleb - getting him to stand still for a photo at the moment is almost impossible!

Hannah with her new hat (well - new to her - it was mum's!)

Gorgeous girls!

Hannah with her side ponytail!

Leah wearing her headband from Venezuela!

Caleb in a rare moment of stillness!

And here is one of the beautiful 2 year old Maltese terrier puppy that I live with. I have yet to get photos of the cats Nashi and Casey - or of Denise, my housemate, but here is one of Ollie:

I love to sing "Oliver" and "Hello (D)olly" to him - he seems to enjoy it too!

Stay tuned for more photos - I am eagerly anticipating the arrival of the wedding photos via post in the next couple of weeks - I have seen some initial prints when I picked up the kids from Maitland and the looked SO beautiful!

All Is Calm, All Is Bright (well, almost...)

2010-01-25T04:22:00.000-08:00

OK - so maybe its a bit early for Christmas carols, but this one certainly encapsulates my last 48 hours or so...

Dad and I arrived in Canberra on Sunday at around 2pm - not before stopping at Lake George to take some pics....

Ah! But for some reason I can't upload the pics just yet - maybe I have used too much of my wireless broadband credit? It only seems to upload at 50kbps at a time - is that too slow for you techies out there???

Sunday afternoon was all about catching up with Denise, unpacking and finding a home for everything (and it all fits!!!) and picking up some groceries.

About 7pm (because it was still so humid) I put on some spray deodorant and the cough that had been calm for about 24 hours (in the wake of my tonsilitis/laryngitis/whatever that I developed in hospital) was massively aggravated - it took a good 45 minutes to subside.

About 9pm as Denise and I drove down to Dickson to pick up some groceries, a nice cool breeze started to blow... and the cough returned - not with a vengeance - but just lingering...

Yesterday I met my new nannying family and we all got along really well. I will be starting with them on Monday and will work Mon-Wed 8am - 4pm.

My little 5 year old, who starts school this year, even went away and played on an art program on the computer - brought the picture back and gave it to me. It was a picture of myself, her little sister and herself and she signed all of our names to it - not bad for a pre-reader!

I then went into Gungahlin for a little lunch and a wander around the shops - just to familiarise myself a little - if I do any shopping - it will probably be either in Civic or Gunghalin...

I then expertly managed to miss my bus to Palmerston for my dr's appointment - although not long after I realised that I had missed my bus, another older man came along and complained that the buses had been running early all week - who to blame? Oh well.

So I ended up coming home and remaking the appointment for Friday.

I then had to report in to Centrelink and to my great delight was told by Centrelink that I would only be loosing $20 per fortnight out of my pension with this new nannying job (I had budgeted for up to $200!)

And THEN after talking to the ATO about what I needed to do in relation to reporting and tax - I found out that I DID NOT have to do income/expenses statements OR BAS statements - I just needed to reserve $x per week in a locked account once I was earning over the tax-free threshold and then do my tax return at the end of the year as per normal. If I DO need to pay tax - then the savings accruing in my locked account will completely cover the bill!

And I thought it was going to be SO much more complicated than that and SO much more work for me!

And then I got a chance to spend a few hours with an old beau Timothy. I really wanted to catch up with him as he only lives a few suburbs over from me and I didn't want to just randomly run into him one day at Woolworths in Dickson (where he also shops) and have that horrible awkwardness between us...

We spent hours talking and decided that while both of us were fully committed to being single (no chance of a "relationship" there - our history was too dodgy to even consider that!) we certainly wanted to be friends - I am SO relieved! I hate animosity between anyone... It will be nice to have another friend around that I can chat with...

As we sat talking - about 9pm again - outside Lyneham shops in their little atrium there, the breeze began to blow again and my cough started to aggravate again. I realised at this point that this must be the return of my "cold-weather" asthma that I was diagnosed with in the winter of my first year at uni at ANU - it was odd though - that was in the dead of winter - why was it playing up now?

As I walked to the bus stop and then home, my chest warmed up and the cough stopped - but once I arrived home and sat down again to chat to Denise it started up again.

I decided to have a warm shower, a hot drink, to rug up in warmer pyjamas and go to bed.

Once I was settled in bed and checking my email for the end of the day I made a MASSIVE mistake!

I read an HILARIOUS email from Bel!

I laughed so hard that my cough got so bad that I was hardly breathing!

About 20 minutes later when the cough subsided a little but was still quite persistent I used one of Denise's ventolin puffers (I myself had not needed one for nearly 12 months and therefore did not have one in date...). 10 minutes later, the cough was worsening, so I used the puffer again.

After another 20 minutes the cough was worsening so we called the ambulance and at 2am I was taken up to Calvary in Bruce...

It was interesting being back at Calvary - it was the first hospital I was taken to after my first OD on New Years Eve 1996 in the wake of the abortion and the last time I had been there was with Leah in 2002 with chicken pox! Memories abounded!

Eventually I was seen my the doctor at about 4am. The cough had subsided after being given a saline nebuliser in the ambulance to break up the gunk on my chest and in my sinuses - nothing to write home about - but it certainly made it a little easier to breathe. But whenever I moved (to the toilet etc) or spoke - the cough was right there...

The dr was a lovely African man who gave me a spacer, ventolin, atrovent, panadeine (paracetemol for my throat and codeine as a cough suppressant) and some anti-nausea "magic" wafer - which worked wonders.

He looked at my throat and agreed that the tonsils needed to come out but that it was not urgent as they were not completely blocking my airway, so suggested that I get myself into see an ENT soon.

As for why the cough? Its not so much a "cold-weather" cough but any form of cold "dry" breeze may set it off. Particularly if we continue to have the weather Canberra has had for the past week or so - REALLY hot days, and quite cool nights... I also have to be wary of the pollen count here in Canberra as it is definitely higher than in Nowra.

So I was done by 5am and taxied back home...

I slept soundly until about 2:30am today - HAPPY AUSTRALIA DAY.

So yes - All is CALM and All is BRIGHT - even with my latest little hiccup!

Love you all
Fi

Leavin' On A Jet Plane

2010-01-23T03:53:00.000-08:00

Well - not quite - rather on a (or issued forthwith by a) Subaru!

Tomorrow - sometime late morning/lunchtime, dad and I are headed off to Canberra.

Finally!

I can't wait.

Here's what Lake George looked like when I left on the 12th Dec - this is at it's deepest point...

I can't wait to see if there is any water in it at all after our mammoth rainfalls over December/January! Probably not - the water table is probably still rising - but I will certainly be looking! I remember driving to Canberra back in 1996 for the start of 1st Year at ANU and it being SO full!

I even remember something about an urban legend that Lake George was somehow tied to a lake somewhere in Canada which drained as Lake George filled and as LG filled, the one in Canada drained....???

Oh yes, and speaking of Canada, please remember my dear friends Sharon and Jami in your prayers - they are doing a mercy dash across to Canada tomorrow hopefully as Sharon's mum is extremely ill.

Canberra - here I come!

2010? It's gonna be great!

2010-01-01T01:44:00.000-08:00

I can remember sitting in my psychiatrist's office for my first appointment of the year in early January 2008. Steve had just moved back to Tamworth with the kids and I had spent New Year's Eve, Day and the following week in Mirrabook.

Anthony (my Dr) sat with me and discussed the events of the past 18 months and trying to paint a brighter future for me for the coming year.

As I left his office he mentioned to me that one of his schizophrenic patients had been in to see him earlier in the day and he was really fired up for 2008. In fact - I believe his words were (which Anthony related to me) Its gonna be great in 2008!

I internally (and maybe visibly) cringed and I think I even rolled my eyes. After all of the crap that I had been through in the past 18 months - how could the coming year be great?

2008 - upon reflection - did turn out to be great. I hooked up with a lovely Christian counsellor who decided that 2008 was going to be about me discovering myself. After walking away from university studies, a promising vocal career and so many other dreams to marry and have children, I had lost my path. I didn't know how to do anything else but be a mother and a wife. In fact, in some of the circles that I had begun to move in during the later years of my marriage, the prevailing theology was that it was God's desire for me to do nothing more than be a wife and a mother and to be the very best at that alone.

While I now understand the heart of that theology - "And whatever you do, whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through him." Colossians 3:17 and "If anyone does not know how to manage his own family, how can he take care of God's church?" 1 Timothy 3:5 - children and family can be completely all consuming - especially before they go to school - I came to understand in 2008, with Kerrie, Lee and Janet's help, that God created me for other things as well. My family was effectively "gone" (well, at least in Tamworth) and the almost 10 years that I had devoted to my husband and my children all seemed to have been in vain.

So 2008 helped me to rediscover my creativity, my voice *lyrically and individually), my dreams and my desires, friendship, love and most of all my desire to draw closer to God. Through being still and resting - some of that medically induced, but restful nonetheless - I started to see myself emerge once again. I struggled with illness, suicidality and emotional pain - but little by little - with God's help - I grew stronger...

2009 has been full of fits and starts. A failed romance, failed study aspirations, a failed attempt at being part of a musical once again... but in the long run it has been an amazing journey. I was only hospitalised once in 2009! Back in April. While it was the most serious of all of my hospitalisations and climaxed with a suicide attempt that saw me in ICU and intubated, it was a watershed moment in my life. It was finally revealed in this time that the diagnosis of Bipolar to all intents and purposes for all of those years was wrong. Yes, there may still me a hint of Bipolar II, but primarily, it was confirmed that what I as struggling with was in fact Borderline Personality Disorder. Which totally revolutionises treatment. No medication - therapy based - 85% (conservative estimate) recovery. And for that 15% that somehow falls through? There are new therapies that are being trialled and having great successes too.

So I am finally off the drugs! And have lost almost 10kg in 2 months! Watch out world here I come! And at the end of December - on a mercy dash to Canberra for treatment and intervention as I watched myself emotionally deteriorate once again - I found SO many new insights! I have drawn SO much closer to God in this past month than I thought was ever possible. I have found a job and a home in Canberra - I will be establishing myself there from Australia Day... And because of this wonderful new job that I have... I will be able to afford to see my kids more often and to take the pressure of travel away from them by being able to fly them and myself around!

I cannot underestimate how much God has done in my life this past two years - and more specifically in the past month or so!

So 2010? Its gonna be great!

Stay tuned for updates and photos of the kids at Steve and Bec's wedding and from their January visit to Nowra!

Love you all!
Fi

What's the buzz?

2009-11-20T05:46:00.000-08:00

"Tell me what's a happenin'"

Whoops... just having a JC Superstar moment... that was a great show!

Fast forward from 2005 back to 2009 and guess who turned 4 this week???

Yes! 4! Can you believe it.... that bump in my belly that was blessed by Jesus during "Hosanna!" is now only 12 months off starting school - prep albeit, but school nonetheless!

To celebrate, I drove to Tamworth last weekend and had a weekend with the kids... Caleb played happily with his presents all weekend - the remote control Lightning McQueen car was a huge hit - as was his Megabloks McQueen and Mac...

We played Sleeping Queens and watched some TV, did some tapestry and generally just hung out... it was wonderful....

Coming back home to reality was a bit of a leap... I struggled with depression for a few days... but it was an interesting kind of depression... it had all of the physical hallmarks of depression, but I was able to hold on to my rational self, pray, talk and get through it reasonably quickly. I have no way to explain this except it seems that as I am learning to draw closer to God, things tend to stay in perspective... So I am staying in His presence thankyou very much!

I start a 40 hour work placement at the local library on Monday - one day per week for a few weeks until I hit the 40 hour ceiling. If they like me and I like them, it may well lead to paid work which would be fantastic. It would put me in a position of being able to save for my own place... It may take me 12 - 18 months, but I am really growing to like the idea of developing some autonomy...

My studies have been put to the side at this stage. I want to pursue the opportunities that are opening up through this job as well as with my church's work in East Nowra... that will give me a full plate for the time being. I will reassess the study thing a little further down the track... Not all is lost though, because I have learned so much from the Creative Living and Old Testament lectures... I have grown so much because of them.

As for the kids... Leah has been selected out of all of her trumpet teacher's students to receive the class prize for this year at the Tamworth Con (each teacher chooses one certificate winner and one prize winner out of all of their students)... her awards ceremony will be next Friday and she is very excited! She has also been selected to participate in some specific basketball training sessions and apparently shows some promise (you'd never guess that she was MY kid ;) )... Hannah is enjoying her gymnastics and they have both just been visited by the Life Education Van and met up with Harold again for this year. Leah has also just finished a two week swimming scheme with the school - Hann won't get to participate until she is in Year 3... but Leah seems to have really enjoyed that. The girls also got a visit this week from the Western Plain Zoo at school...

So much is happening for the girls!

As for Caleb - He is doing wees on the toilet! Quite often and quite confidently. He has still to conquer the number 2s but all in good time. He also had a ball at preschool the other week when they had "Mask Day"... Steve found a Bob the Builder mask on the internet, printed it in colour, attached elastic and voila! He LOVED his Bob mask!

Well, that is all from me at this stage. No photos of Caleb's birthday yet. Leah took all of the photos last weekend on her camera, so I will have to wait until Steve uploads them to picasa before I can show them...

Published on 1/12/09 - written on 20/11/09

My bad...

2009-09-23T02:49:00.000-07:00

Sorry that it has taken me over a month to post... There's no excuse really...

So what has been happening?

Well, the kids are due down to visit in 10 days... I know... its only two posts since they last visited! We are going to be flat out while they are here. We will be in Narooma for a few days, and when we're not in Narooma we will be flat out visiting friends and doing a few fun things... I am really looking forward to it!

Leah got an A in her third grade trumpet exam in mid-August... We were all very proud of her. She is excited at the moment because she is now studing for her fourth grade exams and she is IN Year 4! Cutie.

Caleb is very proud of himself... he is doing poos on the toilet! Don't you just love sharing those great mummy moments? Steve has this deal with him that if he does so many per week he gets to go bushwalking on the weekend... So he has been putting in his best effort!

Hannah's 7th birthday has been and gone - yes her 7th! Where does it go? Unfortunately I missed out on helping her celebrate this one... I presented to my psychologist appointment two days earlier feeling quite "vulnerable" and unsure about whether these feelings would get worse or just go away. In the end, my psych walked me down to mental health and I spent an hour being assessed. For the first time in oh so many years, the suggestion was NOT to go to hospital! Instead they suggested increasing my anti-psychotic... and while mum and I decided that it was the safer option to stay home and not risk a potential admission to Banksia while I was in Tamworth (their public psych ward), I bounced back really quickly. Instead of staying in bed all day with no energy, I prayed and I cried out to God to deliver on his promise of "a sound mind" (2 Tim 1:7) And he delivered! I was able to focus on college assignments and sit for reasonable lengths of time. I said to mum, and to Lee, I think that I was swamped in the Bible as I wrote my assignments in the following days, had a great impact on my thought processes...

So while I missed Hann's birthday, it was a positive time... And I am hoping that when the kids come down in the next couple of weeks, to take Hannie to Wollongong to see a kids production at the IPAC to make it up to her...

No photos of Hannah's birthday or party yet... I am still waiting on Steve to upload them to Picasa... but I will post a few as soon as I get some!

And then there is College... So far I have received a HD for my first Creative Living Assignemnt, a Credit for my first Old Testament tutorial paper and 100% for my first OT short answer quiz... so things are going well. I have been a little lazy this week - too much time on the computer and knitting - and I really have to get my butt into gear and listen to this weeks lectures and catch up on some Creative Living lectures now that I have received a CD with the lectures on it! And I have another tut paper due in the second week that the kids are down - so I need to knock that over while I have a chance in the next 10 days or so...

And my church had its 1 year anniversary last week. We celebrated with a meal and some great table discussion and topped it off with Lee and Janet's baptism which was great. We're really looking forward to what God wants to do through us in this coming year...

And for those who are wondering, mum is doing really well. She had a chest xray and a visit to the specialist a couple of weeks ago and he said that despite the pneumonia and the 20+ years of smoking (which she gave up 15 years ago) that while there was a small amount of damage, she has in no way has shortened her lifespan from her years of smoking... which is really positive!

Anyway, I hope that this finds you all well!
Love and hugs

Studying and knitting...

2009-08-14T08:56:00.000-07:00

They are the perfect partners... well for me anyway! When I have had enough of studying, I down tools and pick up my needles.... although I have to be careful. I have a tendency to want to knit more than study.... Procrastination no?

Well it is Week 3 at Tabor and I have already finished one assignment. I am hoping to get to the other one this weekend. I am organised so far! Although I did have an off week last week... so I do have a couple of lectures and a reading or two to catch up on. Did I say I was organised so far??? :) Well, assignment-wise at least!

It has been a busy week with mum in hospital with pneumonia... I have been back and forth all week... its the first time in ages that my petrol gague has hit the empty sign! But mum is coming home hopefully tomorrow, so all is good! She will have a long recovery process ahead of her, but I am sure it will be nice for her to sleep in her own bed and not have to share her room with three other ladies!

The kids are doing well. There was a funding review for Leah yesterday at school. They are working towards helping her transition into Stage 3 (Years 5 and 6) - they have already picked out her teacher - Ms Russell. And they are also talking about, come 2010, starting a transition process for her for high school - which will probably be Oxley High. OMGness... my baby is only 2 years off high school!

She is still struggling with confrontation, frustration and group interaction. There is an aide in the classroom to support the teacher as well as to help Leah through some of those issues - she still needs explicit instruction when faced with confrontation....

But there have been so many positives come out of the review... She is above stage level in literacy and numeracy, she has been targeted for a gifted and talented group for term 3 working with problem solving (maths not social :)), they are working towards preparing her for Tournament of the Minds next year and they had her join the debate team earlier this year, to help her with group/teamwork (and I guess, accepting a differing point of view!)

Steve was telling me tonight that she and Pa have joined the local RSL band which is more challenging music for her. She seems enthusiastic at the moment about it! She is going to the Zone athletics carnival on Wednesday and has her third grade exams for trumpet (AMEB) on Thursday...

So all in all, she is doing quite well and I am very proud of her!

Hannah is going through a bit of an argumentative phase... she is having trouble adjusting to the last few weeks... the kids found out just after they got back from my place at the end of July that Steve and his girlfriend Rebecca are getting married in January... and I think that has thrown her a little. Apparently there is also a bit of an issue with homework too... it seems that it is not coming home...so Mr Scarborough is keeping a close eye on Hannah as she walks to her bag, to ensure that the homework actually goes IN the bag! I don't know that it is that she doesn't want to do the homework... it is very Hannah to get distracted on the way to her bag!

And Steve was telling me today that Caleb is enjoying preschool - especially the dump trucks... I wonder if that has anything to do with the book I found him at the 2nd hand bookstore called Truck Talk that we read almost EVERY day that he was down here lol!

Here's a quick squiz at some of the projects I have finished in the last couple of weeks (just in case you were interested!)

This was Ella's birthday present - although I am hoping to get a photo of her wearing it at some stage because this pic doesn't really do it justice.

This was a headband (Molly's Headband) I knitted for a swap with a girl in Iowa, Jenni, through Rav. I also knitted one in red crochet cotton for Rach - which I delivered today - and she seems to like it!

And this is the Star-Crossed Slouchy Beret which I knitted for a swap with a girl in West Virginia, also through Rav. I have fallen in love with it and didn't want to send it... I will have to make another for myself I think!

A bit of a busy weekend here, with Tim and Emma up from Canberra. Ella's birthday party at lunch on Sunday (Yes! She is two!) ... and then church... AND I have to try and squeeze in an assigment - or at least the start of one!

I can't wait until next weekend though... I will be going up on the train for a flying visit (just overnight) for Hannah's 7th birthday... Where on earth is the time going? How is it possible that my babies are growing up! I can't wait to give her one of her presents in particular... its a Sugar Plum Fairy Dress and it is absolutely gorgeous! I will have to post photos when I get some!

I hope that all of you are well and loved!
Fi

Exhausted!

2009-07-23T05:52:00.000-07:00

I took the kids home today after their 12 day visit! We had an absolute ball and the kids were really well behaved for the most part... but we were SO busy! We were constantly on the go!

I picked up the kids from the Rutherford drop off point on the 11th and we dropped in on Aunty Liana, Uncle Gav, Keegan and Ronan for dinner on the way back through to Nowra. The kids enjoyed playing together and my kids especially were impressed with Aunty Liana's carob cake!

Sunday was a trip into town to pick up a couple of bargains at Target for Leah and lunch at Marriott Park. Then over to church. Leah and Hannah had a ball playing on the equipment at the school (where we meet) while Caleb chased his new friends Isabella and Sammy around the hall!

Monday saw us all pile into the car with Nanna and head down to the Shack at Narooma. The kids were a little disappointed when we first arrived though because daddy had been referring to it as Nanna and Poppy's "holiday house" and it turned out to be a caravan with a (permanent) annexe!

But they got over their disappointment quickly! They fell in love with the little park on site and, of course, with the beach! Leah and Hannah had a competition to see who could dig the biggest hole!

Caleb was exceedingly proud of himself when he finally mastered the tricky ladder dismount at the park!

After four days in Narooma, Leah didn't want to leave. But we all piled into the car and headed home.

Friday we visited Aunty Steph and Millie and Ruby. Ollie was at preschool, but Caleb wasn't too disappointed, and was happy to play with the Thomas train set and duplo in Ollie's absence! Leah and Millie found some common ground "jamming" together with their trumpets and dancing to Millie's CDs, while Hann and Ruby had a ball on the trampoline.

Saturday saw us head down to Bunnings for a garden workshop. The kids painted signs which were supposed to be for the garden... Leah and Hannah however decided that their signs would be put to better use in their bedrooms. We then headed out to Greenwell Point for lunch and a wander along the foreshore.

On Sunday, we headed over to Aunty Shell's to meet baby Beau and have some lunch together. Church followed and the kids were treated to DVD viewing on a very generous church member's laptop!

Monday took us into many shops as the girls embarked on their mission of spending their pocket money. We went to quite a few shops, identified what they would like, wrote down the price and then discussed how far you can actually make $40 stretch over lunch. It was a very educational process, but thoroughly exhausting at the same time!

We drove to Picton on Tuesday to have a picnic with the Dodds and several other ex, and current Toddler Time families. The kids had a ball playing on scooters and the play equipment! We dropped in on Aunty Fiona, Lachie and Ruby on the way home and spent a little time playing with them as well. Once at home, we had a special family dinner in honour of Uncle Lynton's birthday (although he was absent because he was on-call with the fire brigade). Leah pulled out her trumpet and played a concert for us. We were all very impressed and Uncle Shane said that Leah would be able to replace the trumpet player who played the Last Post and Revellie at the local RSL as she played the pieces much better than he!

Wednesday saw Leah and Hannah head to COOSH for a messy play day and for a chance to catch up with some old Cambewarra friends. Aunty Liana, Keegan and Ronan came for a train ride to Bomaderry, so Caleb and I went down to Bomaderry to meet them and to wander down to the park. After we said goodbye to the Whittens, we headed home to make (and play) play dough, watch In The Night Garden and pack.

Today was a very early start (5:30am) in order to catch the 6:50 train to Central... the kids travelled fairly well for the most part (except for when Caleb decided to bite Leah!) We coloured-in, read stories and ate (and ate!) to pass the time....

It was sad to say goodbye at Maitland - Leah, in particular, found this very hard - but overall the kids handled themselves really well. I was so proud of them....

And tomorrow? I think I will sleep ;)

Waiting.... waiting....

2009-06-26T07:06:00.000-07:00

So I skipped my Fiddler on the Roof movement audition on Sunday and now I am wondering if that was such a good idea! But it clashed with church and that has to remain a top priority for me, because I get so much feeding and support out of that.. which is important to my wellbeing.... But I got to church at 2pm (the same time as the Fiddler audition) only to find that we started at 1pm that week with a picnic in the park... so in the end I could have gone for the first hour to church and then shown up to auditions..... Oh well! I still haven't heard re casting, but then again, I can't remember if call backs were supposed to be Monday just gone, or this Monday coming....rehearsals start on this Thursday coming... I think that the call backs are this Monday. Not sure! Oh well, I will know when I know!

http://www.amtc.org.au

I got into Tabor Bible College this week too. I found out that I have been accepted into the Bachelor of Ministry. I am currently enrolled to do distance education through Adelaide because Miranda isn't running the courses I need to to first, this semester. But once I get the core stuff done, if I am enjoying it, that is, I will look at doing what I can through Miranda. I am not actually doing it to qualify with a BMin... I had to enroll at Bachelor level so that I could get FEE HELP. I initially want to do a couple of courses offered through the BMin, to help me deepen and mature in my faith and my walk with Jesus. If I enjoy it, and God keeps opening the doors, I may well end up with a BMin... but that's not my initial focus....

Dad unearthed his notes from Tabor Adelaide this week for Creative Living which I am doing this semester, so I might actually get started on that this coming week rather than waiting (more waiting ;)) until the 27th July...

Have heard from the kids this week and don't really have much to report from them... other than the "Hi mum! Bye mum!" routine. But the girls are DEFINITELY counting down to the trip down here! They are really looking forward to it!

In other news, I spoke with my psychiatrist last week and he said that I was on the more extreme edge of Bipolar Disorder which seems to be progressing into Schizoaffective Disorder which, if it continues to deteriorate, can end up in schizophrenia.... Very interesting.

http://www.mentalhelp.net/poc/view_doc.php?type=doc&id=8824&cn=7

And after research tonight, I have discovered that the "positive" symptoms of schizophrenia (hallucinations/delusions, disorganised thinking etc) are caused at least in part, they think, by the production of too much dopamine. And guess what mimics dopamine? Caffeine!

So sadly, I have to say goodbye to an old friend and switch to decaf... My only vice... gone...

Ask me next week how it feels to be "viceless" ;)

Love you all
Fi

A learning curve...

2009-06-21T06:27:00.000-07:00

It has been a difficult week in some respects... I have had a few things to deal with which initially cause me so much pain! But eventually, my breathing slows and my mind starts to level out and I can pray, trust God and move through it.

But it definitely has been a challenging week.

I have also been listening to Graham Cooke. He talks about God being a present-future God not a past-present God. We need to live in the present-future and not react or behave by the things that have shaped us in the past... pain, fear, jealousy, frustration, abuse. We need to learn what God sees of us now and what reality we are walking into and live life to the potential that God has planned for us.

"For I know the plans I have for you" declares the LORD. "Plans to prosper you and not to harm you. Plans to give you a hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

I have also made the decision to stand for my marriage. God designed marriage, He blessed our marriage, in fact He ordained it. When it looked like we couldn't afford it, He provided for us. He blessed our marriage with children. He hates divorce. He is a God of reconciliation and restoration. And so, I am believing in the covenant that Steve and I made before God. Steve may never come home to me but that's OK because that is not what it is about. It is about honouring a promise I made to God and staying faithful to that calling. Of course, the best outcome would be for Steve to come home. But that is ultimately between God and Steve. And as Steve has made it clear many times, he has moved on. And I am happy with that.

No photos of the kids this week. We missed our call on Tuesday (and I can't even remember why?) but I spoke to them all over the phone on Friday... got to get a microphone that works on my computer! Hannah and Caleb were "Hi mum! I'm good! How are you? Love you mum! Bye" as usual. At least I get a little more time out of them over the webcam because they can actually see me! Leah was a little better. She's excited about a school excursion that they are taking soon to an indigenous community and school...to learn about their way of life. And they those kids will come and visit Leah's class at school. She's really looking forward to it!

I hope this post finds you all well!
Fi

A mixed bag of a week...

2009-06-13T02:15:00.000-07:00

Well, I had my friend Timothy up to stay from the long weekend from Canberra last weekend. That was OK... it was definitely nice to see him, but it was also challenging because he is the closest to a true introvert as I have ever met.... it was SO quiet over the weekend, it felt like pulling teeth to get him to talk. I don't think that it was a failing on his part, but I guess it showed me that I am a little more extroverted than I originally thought!

I had biblestudy on Tuesday night and I saw the psychologist on Thursday - which was good. It confirmed that I managed myself really well when I went to Tamworth last...

Its also been a really good week in terms of my relationship with Jesus... I fully surrendered to His plans earlier this week, regardless of where Steve was going and how that was making me feel. In return I have felt really at ease with the world. Praising Jesus is no longer an effort of any kind and the darkness and the struggle that I have felt spiritually seems to have lifted. I have not felt this at peace in a long time.

On a sadder note, my friend Steph is not in the greatest of places, her father is really ill and has been in hospital for several weeks with an unknown neurological illness. The surgeons are going ahead on Monday and removing part of his brain in the hope that they will be able to diagnose his condition and treat it.... at the moment he seems to have the comprehension of a dementia patient. Please keep Ken, his wife, Steph and her brother Wayne in your prayers as they struggle through this rough patch.

Hope this post finds the rest of you well!
Fi

PS No photos this week... sorry

Sheepish Grin

2009-06-05T08:15:00.000-07:00

Hi guys. I know it has been awhile.... Forgive me please? I have had a bit of a rough patch.

All was good for awhile there. I was really enjoying TAFE and doing reasonably well at it and then in mid March I became suicidal again. I realised that this was part of a wider seasonal cycle which the meds weren't keeping up with so in mid-March I admitted myself to a private facility for a medication review. Good went to bad which turned to worse and I spent the next six weeks in a total of four different hospitals as things went south after coming off certain medications. It took us four weeks to finally find a doctor who would actually listen to us. Medications were reviewed and I was put back on a new set of drugs and I haven't looked back... I am just hoping that it carries me past the next seasonal "swing".

While I was in hospital, Steve took the kids to the Western Plains Zoo in Dubbo. While I don't have photos yet, I do know that Leah loved the meer cats (sp?), Hannah loved the Otters and Caleb loved the monkeys! Sadly, Steve used the time that they were meant to stay with me to take them to the zoo, something which is about to be thrashed around in the lawyers rooms, but ultimately it worked out OK because I ended up in hospital and probably wouldn't have taken the time out to reassess my meds if I knew that the kids were coming.

On the upside the girls have been doing really well at school. Hannah came 4th in her age group at the school's cross country carnival. Leah came somewhere around the middle which she was happy with. Then they both won places in a Smith Family colouring-in contest. Hannah won an Education Week Award for Love of Learning which she was very proud of and most recently, last weekend, Leah entered the local eisteddfod with her trumpet. She was entered in four categories and came away with two firsts, a second and a third. Not bad for only having played for 18 months!

Caleb is growing up too. He is now almost completely toilet trained during the daytime but still in nappies because it is too cold to deal with wet undies at the moment.

They are all coming down in a few weeks time for the school holidays so I am pretty excited!

Hope this finds you all well.
Fi

Leah's Story

2009-02-01T21:59:00.000-08:00

Last year Leah's class studied the Spiderwick Chronicles and after reading the book and seeing the movie (as a class excursion - some kids get all the luck!) she had to write a creative writing piece. She is very proud of this story and worked with the Principal for several sessions getting the illustrations just right too... I have yet to see the illustrated version but here, for your personal perusal is the unpublished manuscript.... ENJOY!

One day Abby, a 13 year old girl, found a strange book called a field guide, while looking for her cat in the old wooden attic of her home. Abby was a kind child and she had long golden hair that reached to the middle of her back. Although she was very nice not very many people at school liked her. She was often blamed for tings that she didn't do.

Abby held the book in a slightly awkward way. She looked down at it carefully. The field guide had, on the cover, a smooth ebony stone with a hole through the middle. Abby flicked through the pages until she came to a page about goblins which got her really scared. So scared that she grabbed the guide, took the stone right off the front of it, looked out the clear window with the cold stone to her eye and was completely shocked at what she saw. Nothing!

She ran downstairs and told her mother about the field guide. Her mother yelled at her, saying what a nonsense like girl she was. Because of her mother's outburst Abby was angry. So, she decided to hurriedly pack some food and run away into the creepy woods which were surrounding her house. That night she crept downstairs from her bedroom and left the house feeling like she had gotten away with something. She was walking slowly along the dark, dirty path when suddenly.... Aahhhhhhh!

Abby struggled as hard as she could to free herself, but clearly it didn't work. She was very shocked when she saw what had grabbed her. It was a cluster of freaky goblins. She was roughly dragged to a little bamboo cage and locked inside While she was in her cage Abby sadly watched her cat being eaten by goblins. So that's where her cat had got to!

Moments later an old white haired man walked over to her. The man looked as kind a man as Abby had ever seen before. He was wearing a black cloak and carried a twisted brown stick. His eyes were scrunched and his mouth wrinkled. After she had glanced at him the wrinkles turned to a slim smile. The man slowly undid the lock on the bamboo door of the cage with his crinkled hands. Before opening the door he reassured her not to be frightened. He kindly asked Abby to return home and bring him the field guide. He told her that if she did, he would free her for as long as she may live. Abby eagerly agreed but she didn't mean it.

She ran home as fast as her legs could carry her but the goblins captured her once again. She lonely remembered a song that her aunt used to sing to her every night and as she remembered it she sang it softly. The goblins blocked her mouth with a handful of twigs so that she couldn't sing. But she spat them out and started singing again. This time they slowly fell asleep while she sang.

Whilst singing she saw dainty fairy sprites undoing the bamboo bars of the little cage she was in. While she was being set free she saw another group of sprites putting the goblins into little cages. Individually a fairy sprite was weak but together with others they had the strength to turn the leader of the goblins into a speck of dust. Finally Abby was free.

Joyfully she followed the sprites as the dusty magic path gave way and when Abby passed through the path closed once more. From that day on Abby lived in the secret glade with her little friends the fairy sprites. As long as she was with the sprites she remained magical and never returned home.

THE END!

Back to it!

2009-01-27T05:35:00.000-08:00

Well, its that time of year again. Bid the summer holidays a fond farewell!

Caleb started preschool two weeks ago, one day a week, and as of this week, will be moving up to two days a week. He loves it apparently, and especially loves the hat that the preschool provides for him! On day one, Steve told me that Caleb was a little unsure of himself initially, so Steve stayed and played for 15 minutes or so. Then Caleb happily said goodbye but on the proviso that Steve come and pick him up at the end of the day!

Here he is in his gorgeous little hat!

The girls have apparently enjoyed their last two weeks of school with daddy. They have had trips to Endeavour Park, the Botanical Gardens, the local park and Burning Mountain, as well as a 10 day swim intensive. I am hoping that means that if I chuck them in the water that they will float! :)

Here's a photo of my intrepid girls at the Botanical Gardens and one of the three of them at Burning Mountain...

Their cameras the girls got for Christmas are apparently a big hit too, being taken with them to every outing!

The girls are back to school tomorrow and then I am back at TAFE in two weeks time. Dad will be back to college a couple of weeks after that.

And mum gets of scott free! No more classes for her :P Although plenty of work!

Happy New Year!

2009-01-07T03:08:00.000-08:00

I know, I am a little late. But better late than never :)

I have had the kids with me for the past two and a half weeks over Christmas and it has been great. The kids were thoroughly spoiled and I am thoroughly worn out, but it has been worth it. We have done the park thing, the movie thing, the visiting friends thing, the beach thing, the barbeque thing, the catching up with family thing. It has been lovely.

It has also been challenging as I have had to redefine my parenting. With the kids pushing the limits in order to find out what goes at mummy's house it has been straining at times. But we have got there in the end.

Here are some photos to show what we have been up to!

28 Days Until Christmas!

2008-11-27T04:34:00.000-08:00

I know! Hasn't the time just flown! But on the upside, I have done the majority of my Christmas shopping!

Here are a few pics to share...Caleb's birthday in Tamworth a week or so ago...

Leah's makeup all done for CAPERS

And a nice one of Hannah

CAPERS was a regional dance festival - similar to Wakakiri. Leah was a dragon in the Stage 2 dance and Hannah was a gumnut blossom in the Early Stage 1 dance. Leah was asked to play for the Capers band but she refused because she thought that she wouldn't get to dance! She didn't realise that she could do both!

Caleb had a ball for his birthday and was throughly spoiled. We had a BBQ to celebrate his birthday and he loved every second of it. I just cannot believe that my baby is 3. Where does it go?

Not much else is going on in the land of Fi. Just some knitting and sewing needing to be done. That will keep me busy for a few weeks before I pick up the kids for the first half of the school holidays on the 20th!

Hope this finds you all well!

A slower pace

2008-11-14T01:22:00.000-08:00

Well, after that whirlwind of an announcement that I was moving to Armidale in two weeks, I can now tell you that I am firmly settled. In Nowra. No move to Armidale on the horizon.

Instead of packing boxes, I had a relapse and spent four weeks in hospital following a suicide attempt. The hospital I was sent to was great. It was a small ward - only 12 beds, and had great therapy, understanding psychologists and nursing staff and relatively "sane" patients. There were no catatonics or drug induced schizophrenics so that was nice....

Since being in hospital I have reassessed my future and have decided to put my energies into getting my Bachelor of Early Childhood at Wollongong so that I am in a strong position, financially and mentally, for my kids when they hit the perils of teenage-hood... where there is a strong chance that they may want to come and live with me...

On the brighter side, I have managed to do most of my Christmas shopping this week and am headed up to Tamworth this weekend for Caleb's birthday on Monday. So it should be fun!

Hope this finds you all well

Let the whirlwind begin!

2008-10-12T04:48:00.000-07:00

OK. Its been a while since my last post. Sorry (insert blushing smilie in here). And alot has happened. Where to start?

Well, we could start with my news.

I am moving. In a fortnight. To Armidale.

I got an email at the end of business on Friday saying that the owners had approved my application for a cabin in a motel/caravan park setting, just outside of Armidale. (For the locals, its kind of Nowra to Waterslea distance). Providing that they are willing to wait a fortnight (which I am still waiting to hear on) and providing that the Dept Housing come to the party, I will be moving to Armidale at the end of October.

This will put me only an hour or so away from the kids. (For the locals again, that's from Nowra to Wollongong distance). I have also put in an audition for entry into the Bachelor of Music/Bachelor of Teaching. Although if I don't get in, I will just continue on in my Bachelor of General Studies/Bachelor of Teaching.

I am starting to get a little excited about the whole process. I have been online tonight looking at churches and community groups that I could get involved with. Its looking quite promising.

I had the kids come and stay with me for 10 days just recently, during the school holidays. We spent three or four days in Canberra and then came home to Nowra. It was a great time and for the most part they were so well behaved. They each have their issues to content with (well, not Caleb so much) but it was so lovely just having them close. A couple of nights there I had all three of them in bed with me and it was so nice just to be able to watch them sleep.

It was very sad having to take them home...

Ummm.... Katoomba Women's Convention was good too. I was very challenged in a few areas of my life. And it was a great excuse to get to know some of the women in my church a little better too.

And as for Tim... that was a bit of a fizzer. Things didn't work out. So I have moved on.

Sorry it has take so long for an update... I will try to make it sooner between posts next time!

Love to all

Birthdays and more

2008-09-04T04:36:00.000-07:00

It has been a few weeks since I have last posted and it has been busy!

Mid August the girls had book week and they had fun! They loved the books they were allowed to choose from the book fair and had lots of fun dressing up!

Leah was Cinderella

And Hannah was Snow White

And then I went up for Hannah's birthday. It was a great time and she was thoroughly spoiled.

I have just spent a week in Canberra with a dear friend who has now become my partner. His name is Tim and we are having lots of fun just enjoying each other's company... I need to get some photos of him to post!

I have started back with my TAFE studies too... I have finally found that lost motivation!

And Steve and I will be getting divorced at the end of October.. we have decided now to make it official.

So thus ends a chapter and brings about the beginning of a new one...

Now I am just looking forward Katoomba Women's Convention in a couple of weeks and dto seeing the kids at the end of September!

Bored

2008-08-07T04:00:00.000-07:00

I know that sounds really sad doesn't it? I really have no reason to be bored, I have TAFE work to do and a stack of knitting to do. I have to finalise my uni application and clean my room, but none of that seems to be inspiring me at the moment!

Yes, I am going back to uni. I have been thinking very seriously and carefully (and no, it didn't hurt) and I have decided to take the next four years to get myself qualified as an Early Childhood Teacher so that I can afford to take care of my family properly. So I am getting myself set to go back to Wollongong Uni in order to make this happen. I still have a bit of running around to do before my application is finalised and I will need lots of prayer as Early Childhood is a really competetive course to get into.

And so, I just need to keep myself busy between now and then.

Here are some photos from the kids recent trip to Nowra...

Back to School

2008-07-25T06:58:00.000-07:00

Hi there! It has been a crazy couple of weeks, but in a good way!

I had the kids come and stay with me for 10 days and we had a ball! We did the usual holiday stuff, cooking, watching DVDs, going shopping, going to the park, Bounce and Slide and to the cinema to see Kung Fu Panda - which Leah loved and Hannah wasn't so crash hot on. The only down point was that Hannah and Caleb were a bit fluy towards the end of their stay..

They enjoyed the travelling to a certain extent too. Caleb even stood up in his booster and turned around to try and get the passing truck's attention "cuse me truck" Little rascal!

Its a bit empty now that they are gone and I'm looking forward to my visit to Tamworth for Hannah's birthday at the end of August.

I did get some photos and I promise to upload them just as soon as they are downloaded from the camera!

I was also asked a week ago to join WOFTAM's production of Cats as a pit singer. For those of you who don't remember, WOFTAM was the company I did Les Mis with in 2006. I was over the moon to be asked but sad when I realised that I couldn't do it. It meant one trip a week to Campbelltown and back (maybe more) and I just couldn't afford the petrol at this stage. Especially with Hannah's birthday coming up. So that opportunity has slipped out of my hands and I am on the lookout for a production that I can get involved with locally - I hope.

Anyway, I hope that this post finds you all well!

1 more sleep to go!

2008-07-03T17:49:00.000-07:00

Mum and I are driving to Maitland tomorrow morning to pick up the kids from Steve. They are coming to stay for a whole 10 days! I can't wait to see them! It is going to be so much fun!

They are jumping out of their skins to see me too, although are distracted today by their school athletics carnival which they are both excited about. It is being held at the TREC (Tamworth Regional Entertainment Centre) but Hannah is adamant that they are going to the Shrek! She is so funny.

In other news, I have decided to put the move to Tamworth off for 18 months. It will give me more time to stablise and give me a chance to get some furniture together and to get some money behind me.

So the plan for now is to get a job, I don't care where, and work hard for 18 months and at the end of it, I will be ready to move to Tamworth.

Missing my kids

2008-06-16T15:18:00.001-07:00

Yep that's me at the moment. I was having a web session with them the other day and Caleb kept saying "cuggle Mummy". He didn't understand that I couldn't give him a cuddle even though he could see me.:(

And the girls keep wanting to know why they can't live with mummy. Poor kids. I miss them so much.

Steve and I are going to go to mediation. I am looking at moving to Tamworth in the next three months or so, so we need to negotiate access to the kids. I am hoping for 50/50 shared care. I don't think Steve wants that. But that's what I'm aiming for.

I've had a look on the internet and there are alot of houses around within my price range so I am hoping to get a good one. I just have to save the money for the bond. That will take me a couple of months. Oh for a wealthy benefactor who could make it possible for me to be there right now for them!

Oh well. The mediation process will take time anyway.

So please pray for me as we go through this time...

2008-06-05T00:48:00.000-07:00

Hannah in class
Leah in class
Caleb visiting Leah's classrooom

Leah playing in the band... you can't see her - she's the third one in from the front of the stage

Buried in books

2008-06-04T23:05:00.000-07:00

Well I am swamped in study at the moment. I went into TAFE on Monday to check out what I still had to do this semester (I only have two weeks left and then two weeks of prac) to find out I still had six modules to do (that's a module a week) doh! So here I am procrastinating instead of studying. He he. No, really I am being a good girl. I am halfway through my second module in three days!

So exciting times are a coming. After I finish my study haul, I will have two weeks work placement at a local preschool and then I think I will organise another trip to Tamworth to see my precious kids again.

Open day was lovely - it also coincided with my birthday... yay! We watched Hannah in her reading groups and made origami with Leah. Leah played in the school band and sung in the school choir while Hannah did a phonics presentation with the kindys... A, a, ants on my arm, its causing me alarm! She was so cute. And to top it off, Leah received a special education week award for love of learning. We were so surprised, because she often isn't the easiest kid to manage in class, but so proud of her.

As soon as I work out how to get pictures of my phone, I will post some photos.

And I am not moving to Canberra now :( It was going to cost me too much of my income (over half) just to rent and as much as I wanted the job, there were too many niggly little things that were just not right about the whole situation. So I am looking for work closer to home.

Oh well, back to the books I suppose!

Lots happening

2008-05-26T03:49:00.000-07:00

d!OK its been a couple of weeks. Sorry! Ducks the oncoming cushions!

I am in Tamworth at the moment visiting the kids. Tommorrow is Open Day at the girls school and they are over the moon that I am coming to see their school. Leah is playing in the school band AND singing in the choir. She is very excited! Hannah is looking forward to showing me her classroom. I was looking at them this afternoon in their school uniforms and they seem so grown up! My babies are growing up!

Speaking of babies, I have a job! I am moving to Canberra very shortly to take up a job as an assistant carer in a 0-1 babies room. It is very exciting. Now all I have to do is organise accomodation. I have one lead on that.. we'll see where it goes.

Well that's about it for now... I promise that I will try to post again soon!

Fi

2008-05-09T02:36:00.000-07:00

Here are some recent photos of the kids... Caleb apparently LOVES playing is Pa's organ... you can tell from the grin!

As for me it has been a good week. Mum and Dad were away for the first part of the week camping so I had the house ALL TO MYSELF :)

I've been gymming although not as much as I should have been. I plan to step that up a notch next week and I had a great day at kindy this week. I had to laugh. One of our poor little boys threw up while he was sleeping at rest time. Both the full time carers couldn't stomach the cleaning so I did it! After projectile vomit for a whole year with Hannah, a little spew doesn't phase me at all.

Leah told me with great excitement on the phone this week all about the camping sleepover her class was going on at the end of the year.... she has got a while to wait! The kids sound like they're all good. Caleb proudly told me he had train tracks on his shirt... he was referring to the overlocking. Awww.

Hope you have all had good weeks

Fi

I go to Kindy!

2008-05-02T00:16:00.000-07:00

Pitt St Kindy that is!

I started the first day of my volunteer work today at Hannah's old preschool. It was lots of fun. I got to observe the kids in all sorts of play. The group that I was with played outside all day which was a little chilly at times but lots of fun!

We built rockets, sandcastles, walls. We made chocolate and strawberry cakes in the sand. We read stories and painted.

I got to supervise certain areas, like painting and gross motor

I helped to serve morning and afternoon tea

And I helped the kids to share and play nicely with each other. There were a few bumps and bruises and with my first aid training I found that I was confident in intervening.

I didn't get a chance to read the staff orientation book but I will do that next week now that I have a better idea of what is expected of me.

And I think I will have to start practicing some obs.

If I get REALLY organised I will look into keeping a work journal too.

But it was really good fun and I think I am going to enjoy being a preschool teacher!

Getting into shape

2008-04-26T02:35:00.000-07:00

I joined the gym today. Yay!! Its been 18 months since I have been to the gym and it is so good to be back!

I didn't do much today. I missed the Balance class because I was sorting out my membership so I ended up doing some weights and cardio. 15 minutes on the treadmill at 3.5km an hour in 5 minute invervals, some lat pulldowns, leg curls, bicep curls and leg press. Not much, but slowly, I will get there. I'd rather take it easy than push myself too hard and not be able to go back for a week.

I have an appointment on Wednesday with one of the trainers who will put together a proper program for me.

So here I am. I am starting at 133kg (Shhhh don't tell anyone!) In a month's time I want to be able to fit into the size 22 jeans I bought the other day that don't quite fit me at the moment. And I'm only going to weigh in monthly. I have no kg goal for the first month, I just want to see how much I will lose in the first month.

I died my hair last night too. I has a nice reddy tinge to it now.

So here's the new me.

I can't wait to go to Pump tomorrow afternoon!

2008-04-23T06:09:00.000-07:00

OK so it has been over a week since my last post - Sorry!

I had the kids down for the week last week. It was great. They were well behaved most of the time! We went and saw movies, wandered around town, did craft together, played together, visited friends. It was generally a very good time. I was so proud of them. They seemed to take the visit in their stride. I have no idea how they are handling the rest of their holidays though - Steve doesn't really pass on a whole lot of information.

I miss them so much now that they are gone. Caleb's cuddles are the best. Hannah and Leah were so happy to spend time with me. It was so precious!

On the more sombre side, things have taken a turn for the worst between Steve and I. Not long after I had decided that I was going to move to Tamworth at the end of the year and move back in with Steve, he decided that he wasn't sure that he wanted to be in a relationship with someone with a mental illness. He wanted to take his time in making that decision and he finalised it today.

We're not getting back together.

It is sad in some ways, I will always love him. But I guess it is time to move on now. This is the end of the chapter, and there is another one just beginning. Now I have so many options to consider. Do I move to Tamworth? Do I stay in Nowra? Do I move to Canberra?

Whatever happens, I am not going to be making any major changes to my life until the end of this year. But there are a few things to ponder.... do I continue along the child care track or do I dust of my voice and consider auditioning for uni to seriously study voice?

Hmmm. Will get back to you on that...

Great Expectations

2008-04-05T00:21:00.000-07:00

OK. No promises. But I am going to try and make this blog a weekly thing. If there is time for more blogs, I will blog more. If I am too busy, I will blog less. But since serveral people have commented recently on my blog, I will endeavour to keep it up to date!

I am bored at the moment. I have studied, I have gardened, I have sewn, I have been out to coffee, I have finished a project, I have played with my ipod and now I am bored. I think I made a big mistake when I planned the kids visit out in detail. Now I have more than a week until they arrive and I am all ready and raring to go. I think the next 10 days or so are going to drive me nuts!

Tuesday - they arrive. Leah and Hannah spend the night
Wednesday - I have Caleb. We will probably go into town and go to the park - he is easy to please. Leah and Hannah go to COOSH which they are really looking forward to. Leah is dying to catch up with her old friends. The girls go back to the caravan park to camp with Steve and I have Caleb for the night.
Thursday - I have Hannah. We will probably go into town for a bit of shopping. We are going to Bounce and Slide after lunch. Hannah stays the night
Friday - I have Leah. We HAVE to go shopping with Leah. It is a must apparently! She will then go, with me, to a friend's house to play for the afternoon. Leah stays for the night.
Saturday. Big family meet up at Mogo Zoo. The kids are going to have a ball. I'm still waiting to hear on Tim and Emma but all of the rest of the family are going to be there. We may go out for tea too because it is Nick's birthday... All of the kids are staying the night.
Sunday. We are going to Wollongong for lunch to see Gav, Liana, Keegan and brand new baby Ronan. It will be a nice trip. The kids haven't seen Uncle Gav and Aunty Liana since Christmas. All the kids are staying the night.
Monday. We are going to see Horton Hears a Who in the morning and the off to the beach in the afternoon - hopefully with Aunty Michelle - who hasn't seen the kids since before they moved away! All the kids are staying the night!
Tuesday. Baking

And then home later on Tuesday!

We are going to have so much fun!

Good things afoot...

2008-02-19T23:27:00.000-08:00

Hey all! I know its been a while, but I am back now.

I went to Tamworth to see the kids this weekend and it was lovely. The travelling I could do without but Caleb's cuddles alone were worth it!

I got there in time to have dinner with the kids and to help put them to bed, which was lovely. Then Steve and I went out for coffee - well, tea actually - but it doesn't sound as good!

We had a long chat about where we were at, what was happening with the kids, where does bipolar end and a person start etc. We talked about working things out between us. There is alot of work that has to be done. Steve still has trust issues with me and will have for a while, learning how to trust me even in the grip of bipolar. I have to learn to trust him again too. But we have agreed to start putting our relationship back together.

What that means for the future, I don't know. I don't want to force anything to happen unnaturally. We have just agreed to move forward, and as time goes on I think we will start to begin defining that. We want a healthy marriage. One where each of us knows who we are and what we want and to have that respected equally. One where we are two halves to a whole, not 90% to 10%. We want a strong relationship. And that is as far as we have gotten so far.

But I think that, in itself is pretty good.

I spent the day with the kids on Saturday. We took them swimming in the morning and then in the afternoon I took the girls shopping while Caleb slept. We bought a Pumpkin Patch dress for Leah for her birthday. It was blue with silver sparkles everywhere. She picked it out herself and thought that she was so grown-up! The girls both got sunnies and a pair of shoes, a headband and a little diary pack (I love Pumpkin Patch's 60% off sales!) The girls were so cute about their sunnies. They kept asking when they could put them on and I kept having to say "We're not even outside yet!'" Then in the car, as we pulled out from the underground parking, they saw me put my sunnies on and they were in the back saying "quick Mum's got her sunnies on. Put your sunnies on!" :)

I loved spending time with Caleb too. He has become quite the parrot. He can sit there playing at your feet looking completely absorbed in what he is doing and yet listening all the while. If you say "I am going to take my car to the shops" then next thing you will hear is "car, shops" from Caleb. He is so cute.

We took the kids out to dinner with Steve's parents, Steve's brother and my niece. We went to The Pub, which cooks food that the kids can actually eat, not cooked in butter or anything. They enjoyed themselves but were pretty weary by the end of the night.

Steve and I went out again after dinner and just spent some good quality time together. It was so nice to have him emotionally available again..

The Sunday morning, I went up to see the kids before church. Hannah had decided that she wanted to call Steve and I by our first names instead of mum and dad, so we had a chat about family and what makes up a family. The next thing we knew, we were challenged with "how does a mummy and a daddy make a baby?" from Leah. Arrrgh! I'm so not ready to go there with her yet!

The kids left for church with Helen and Steve took me to the station to catch the bus home. It was a long trip and I am still exhausted but it was worth every minute!

25.11.07

2007-11-25T04:33:00.000-08:00

Well. It's done now. I am offically moved out of my parents! And into their granny flat out the back. Its given me a sense of independence. Which is really nice.

I still eat with them and get my drugs from mum, but at least I have my own little space with an ensuite and a fridge (will have a microwave soon too).

So its been a pretty good day.

Had brunch with Amy, Tim and mum this morning. Mum cooked McMuffins! And pancakes... so much for the weight watchers!

Had a siesta after brunch and then Steve and John arrived to drop off some furniture. Dad conned them into helping move the bedrooms around so that my flat could get set up properly. All that has to happen now is the fridge being installed and Steve picking up a box of the kids stuff and that's it. I'm officially moved in.

Didn't get to church tonight. Was busy settling into my new place.

So that's me for today!

23.11.07

2007-11-23T03:40:00.000-08:00

Not a bad day today. Went to Wollongong to have lunch with Liana and see my psychiatrist.

Had crepes for lunch which were VERY yummy!

Liana is good, madly getting organised for Christmas as they are spending it in Darwin with family.

Dr D has decided to drop my zyprexa levels a bit as I am feeling very little atm. With all of the crap I am going through at the moment, I should be feeling something, grieving etc, but all I feel is numb.

Academically I know I am going to miss my kids, but I haven't cried or anything. They mean so much to me and yet I can't feel anything about them leaving. This is so FRUSTRATING.

Hopefully I will start to feel better (worse) in the next couple of days as the meds kick in.

I got home today to ask if Lynton was coming over this weekend to help move furniture around. I really want to get settled in the granny flat and start moving on with life in some ways. Mum had said that she would organise Lynton to come over this weekend to help dad with furniture. But, of course, mum hasn't done that and now Lynton is busy this weekend. I knew I shouldn't get my hopes up...

Had dinner and watched Ladies in Lavender. Take my advice and don't waste your time. Despite the great actors that were cast in it, the plot was slow and almost pointless.

So that's it for me today. I still haven't heard about my hospital admission. But at least I will be able to fix up my MBP payments tomorrow. Pay day! Yay.

21.11.07

2007-11-21T03:46:00.000-08:00

Went into town to see my counsellor today. She's really good. We talked about a few things. Mainly how to build a relationship with my mother...

Had lunch at Amy's place and came home to move some things into the back room (my room)
and to tidy up the other rooms that I had been using.

Packed for hospital. And there's a story in itself...

I rang the hospital early last week to ask for admission. They said there was a waiting list and that they would put me on it.

Got a phone call on Monday saying that I was getting to the top of the list and that there should be a bed for me in the next couple of days. I just needed to get my referal in for the psychiatrist. What's that, you mean you don't already have it? I asked my psychiatrist's secretary to get it done last week.

Ring the psychiatrist secretary. No she hasn't faxed the referral yet.

Rang again today. Yeah, yeah, faxing it now. Got a call from the hospital saying that they had received the fax, that they would chase down a psychiatrist and would admit me to hospital as soon as a bed came up.

It took that damned secretary almost a week from when my psych wrote the referral to when the hospital got it!

But there's more.

About two weeks ago, I went online to the Medibank Private website. I changed my banking details from direct debit (St George) to direct debit (Comm bank). I was looking at my St George account tonight to discover that they had tried to take a payment out my of St George account. Of course, it bounced because the money wasn't in there.

I can't make a manual payment yet because I don't get paid until Saturday (the Comm bank dd was set to come out on Monday) so when the hospital checks my fund, I am going to come back as being UNFINANCIAL

Which means even if they find me a bed I am going to have to wait until MONDAY before I can be admitted because until I get paid on SATURDAY I can do SFA about it!

It seems to be my fate to be screwed around...

I just want to go to hospital to get sorted out!

And all for a lousy $106 bucks!

So that's me for today....

2007-11-18T04:23:00.000-08:00

And some more pics...

2007-11-18T04:21:00.000-08:00

Here's some piccys from Hannah's Christmas concert yesterday. I am still waiting to get copies of images from Caleb's birthday last night so WATCH THIS SPACE!

18.11.07

2007-11-18T04:09:00.000-08:00

Lazy day here today.

Woke up at 9:30 and Hannah was picked up for church shortly thereafter. Went back to bed for a snooze until Leah arrived.

We had hot chips for lunch and then watched Narnia... well, I sat with Leah and cross-stitched while SHE watched Narnia. Gotta love those "I'm scared of this part" cuddles!

We did a letterbox drop with my Nutrimetics catalogues and came back for Leah to play on my computer. I think Bunnytown featured on the laptop quite a bit this afternoon! I cross-stitched, and then coloured-in with Leah. Then fed and bathed her. She was allowed to stay up for a movie before bed. Silly me agreed to The Neverending Story. I'd forgotten how long it was!

So I sat with her and watched that. Like I said, its been a really lazy day.

I just wish I wasn't so short with her sometimes. Leah has a tendency to babble on about nothing in particular (which I did when I was her age too). It is hard to switch off and get a "mental break" when she is constantly babbling. I am trying to find ways of refocusing her energy without snapping but it can be damned hard at times.

But I certainly did enjoy her cuddles today. I will miss those.

And MAN it is hot here tonight... Summer is DEFINITELY coming!

17.11.07

2007-11-17T04:02:00.000-08:00

OK, OK. So I haven't blogged in a few days! Sorry.

Its been an OK few days. I saw my counsellor on Wednesday and I have to structure my life a little to get things into focus.

Then I spend Thursday afternoon and Friday with my friend Rachel, talking about, cutting out and putting together a quilt for Caleb. I plan to make the kids one each for Christmas. Caleb's is in red and blue, Leah's will be in pinks and Hannah's (of course) will be in purples.

I really love spending time with Rachel too. She is such a beautiful person!

Today was a double bunger... it was Hannah's Christmas concert for preschool and Caleb's 2nd birthday. Got some great piccys at each and I will try to upload some to the site soon.

Hannah's concert was just gorgeous. She was a little pig in "Who's Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf" and was one of the pigs that made her house from bricks. Nanna was impressed that she was one of the sensible ones! And then she was a Reindeer for their Christmas songs. Santa came and Hannah got her present first (a bag of marshmallows) and then spent some time chatting with Santa.

It was off home then to watch Disney Playhouse, eat hot chippys for lunch, do some watercolour painting, wrap Caleb's birthday presents and play on the Disney website.

Steve, John, Helen, Leah and Caleb came up to mum and dad's for a small family birthday party. He was very impressed with all of his Little People toys but was not too sure about the power tools that Nannie and Poppy gave him. They spin around and talk. He nearly ended up in tears. Hopefully he will warm to them.

Dinner was a roast and was very yummy and then we had marshmallow cake (for the kid), baked apples and ice cream. Went a little over on the Weight Watchers Points today but if you don't tell them then I won't either!

The family went home and I put Hannah to bed. She is sleeping peacefully. She was really cuddly this afternoon too. Poor girl. She misses her mummy.

Each day is getting a little harder to cope with. My babies are moving away in two weeks and I am going to miss them terribly. I feel like a little part of my is dying every day. I am loving the little things at the moment, like watching Hannah sleep.

Those little moments will be so few come Saturday fortnight....

13.11.07

2007-11-13T00:47:00.000-08:00

Was an OK day until the bombshell hit. But I'm getting ahead of myself...

Was up early today, which I am still astonished at!!

I went for a walk and dropped into the house to pack some more things up and to feel uncomfortable around my in-laws.

Brought Gracie back to my parents house to play with their Golden Retriever, Chance. Its so sad. Steve doesn't want to keep Gracie because he says the kids aren't getting any better with her (she keeps jumping up at them) and my parents won't have her so Steve is going to put an ad in the paper to get rid of her. I wish i could keep her at my parents house. She is so beautiful!

I joined Weight Watchers online today too. It looks like it will be good. My first weight-loss target is set at 117kg. I like that it breaks it down into REALLY small steps for me. That's about as far as I can manage at the moment anyway!

I cross-stitched and took Gracie back after lunch. Then I cross-stitched some more. (Amazingly exciting life that I lead!)

Steve came over before he picked up the kids.

He spoke to the school they will be going to

Kinder orientation day is on the 30th November and then every Friday after that until the end of the year for Hannah

They also want Leah to have some transition time to help with her AS issues.

So all of a sudden the moving date has been moved forward by a month. Instead of going on the 2nd of January (where I would have been able to have Christmas with them) they're going on the 3rd December.

Three weeks time.

I know it will be beneficial for the girls, but my babies are moving away

And now I won't have Christmas with them either. And I won't be there for Hannah's first impressions of school.

I feel robbed.

12.11.07

2007-11-12T04:28:00.001-08:00

I am celebrating today because I have been 7 DAYS WITHOUT SUICIDAL THOUGHTS OR ATTEMPTS!

I still have the gash on my arm from a week ago, but I am looking FORWARD!

I didn't post last night because I was just too tired.

Didn't get up to mucn today. Got up at midday and had something to eat but then went back to bed with a horrible headache. Mum was out with the key to the drug cabinet so the only way I could manage it was to sleep.

Mum woke me up at 4:30 when she got home and gave me some Neurofen Plus. Ah bliss! I got up and about an hour after the Neurofen started working on my cross stitch. I now have the bodies of two teddies and am about to start on the heads!

I was really naughty tonight too. I went to the shop and bought a big block of chocolate and a bottle of coke.. and ate the lot. I know bingeing isn't a good thing... but I REALLY wanted some chocolate. I will be good tomorrow. I promise!

Didn't walk today or meet my water challenge. And chocolate is a carb isn't it? So physically and nutritionally was off the charts today but I DID drink my 800ml of water yesterday. Am planning on drinking 150ml of water tomorrow. And walk.

I went out tonight to Rachel's. We recorded the latest practise CD for the Sing for the King kids. It was fun! Although I really don't like listening to my voice recorded! I'm too picky!

Rachel gave me a great idea too about recording stories for my kids on CD so that they can hear my voice at night when they go to sleep. She's full of creative ideas. And I love the friendship that we are developing.

So that's about it for me today....

10.11.07

2007-11-10T02:44:00.000-08:00

Well, if I had to rate today on a scale of 1 to 10, I would give the day a 7.

And I am very proud to be able to say that I have been 5 days free of suicidal thoughts or attempts. Every little step counts.

I went out with the kids, Steve and his parents to Hannah's preschool picnic today and to Hannah's dismay, we found out when we arrived at Harry Sawkins Park that it had been cancelled due to all of the rain.

So we went to Marriot Park instead and had our own picnic. It felt very awkward to be out with Steve's parents and was made harder by the fact that they barely talked to me.

After our picnic in the park, I went back to the house to pack up some more things to be brought up to here for my granny flat.

I came home and cross-stitched the afternoon away. I felt a little noddy around 3pm, so I lay down for an hour's nap and got up again just after four to do some more cross-stitching.

Wendy arrived at 5:30 to sign me up as a nutrimetics consultant. If anyone is interested in buying anything off me, please email me at fionag77@gmail.com Any money I make will go directly towards buying myself a car.

I've pottered around on the internet this evening and all in all it has been a relatively lazy day. I'm looking forward to a Sunday morning sleep in and bubble bath tomorrow morning!

And I am very proud to report that I have achieved my week two physical fitness goal of walking 4 time this week! (Actually I walked five times this week, but the more, the better!)

I haven't been so successful on the nutrition front however. I am aiming to drink 1 bottle of water tomorrow (800ml) so we'll see how I go.

Fi

9.11.07

2007-11-09T02:13:00.000-08:00

Ups and downs here today.

Steve arrived this morning with Hannah and FIL. I was still in my pj's for crying out loud! So what did Dad do? He invited them in for coffee! Its one thing to have Hannah dropped off while I'm in my pj's but it is another thing altogether to have to deal with guests while you have that "I've just opened my eyes look".

Steve dropped us off to Poppy's where I had a chat with my family support worker and did belly dancing... don't think that I will ever become a master of that! But it was fun wearing the jangly scarves!

Hannah and I were dropped into town where we did a little bit of shopping and waited for Amy to come and pick us up. We ended up waiting for her at Gloria Jeans and colouring in while we waited.

Hannah and I snuggled in my bed for a while when we got home and watched Ice Age on the laptop.

After Steve picked her up, I sat and watched a couple of eps of Bionic Woman with mum and Amy and when Amy left I went and had a nap for a couple of hours.

After dinner I talked to mum for a while. When I was trying to arrange a lift home from town with Amy earlier today, she asked me if Steve was OK with me being alone with Hannah in town. So I rang Steve, and he said it was OK. But it ended up making me feel really crappy. Having to have restrictions on when and how I see my kids makes me feel like a bad mother and having them taken away from me makes me feel like I'm not good enough for them. Sure its a chance for me to get strong enough so that I can have them more often, but it still makes me feel like crap.

Have had popcorn, watched Futurama and Better Homes and Gardens, and now I think I will browse the new magazines that I bought yesterday and maybe do some cross-stitching for the rest of the night

Fi

8.11.07

2007-11-08T03:32:00.000-08:00

Well today has been mostly good.

I had Caleb for the day. We snuggled and watched Playhouse Disney in the morning, followed by morning tea with MILK! Caleb loves his rice milk! Then I put him down for a nap.

While he was napping, I left him with mum and went into town with a friend of mine for coffee and a catch up. It ended up turning into lunch and dessert, but it was a nice time!

I also bought some new shoes while I was in town. The podiatrist wanted me to wear enclosed shoes, while we were treating the multiple warts on my feet and of course, do you think I owned any enclosed shoes??? So $120 later, I now own two pair of enclosed shoes... sneakers and a pair of black ballet-style shoes.

I got home in time for a nanna nap before Caleb woke up from his nap. He ate some lunch, we went to the post office and then decided to walk down to the house so that he could play with some of his toys... there isn't much for him to do at Nanna and Poppie's. Of course, halfway there it started raining, and by the time we reached the house we were reasonably wet.

It turned out that Steve was out with his parents when we arrived so we sat on the verandah and occupied ourselves for an hour or so until he arrived home. A lady from church dropped in with some dinner for Steve and the kids so Caleb busied himself with eating one of the fish cakes that had been dropped in... tiny bit by tiny bit. Of course, that kept him occupied for quite a while. And once he had bored of that, he decided to play with the left over mung beans. He would take one out of the packet at a time and put them on top of his fish cake. Then once he had tired of that, he took each mung bean - one at a time - and threw them over the edge of the verandah... it would be interesting to see if we grow any bean sprouts in that patch of grass!

I stayed for a coffee which was a bit uncomfortable because John and Helen didn't try to make any conversation. They just seemed intent on staring at me. So I spent the time talking to Steve and Caleb and tried to pretend they weren't there.

I left and came home and went back into town with mum. I picked up Caleb's birthday presents out of layby and I picked up some magazines as well.

I've spent all night looking at uni re-enrolment for 2008 and working out which courses I am going to do. I have decided to go full-time and try to finish off my BA by the end of 2009. So I enrolled in 5 subjects for semester one and 3 for semester two. For some reason, the other two that I tried to enrol in online, wouldn't come up, so I'll go back and fix those two up later...

But yay! If things go the way I would like them to, I will be finished my BA by the end of 2009 and will have my Diploma in Children's Services as well!

So all, in all, its been a good day. And that's a nice relief.

7.11.07

2007-11-07T03:49:00.000-08:00

Its been a couple of days since I last posted.

Monday I found out that Steve and the kids are DEFINITELY moving to Tamworth. Steve and Dad went to see Leah's psychologist on Monday. I was worried but was expecting the psychologist to say that it was in the kids best interest to have equal access to both parents. That sounds fair and logical doesn't it?

Instead she said that the kids needed consistency. As far as mum, dad and Steve are concerned, that means moving to Tamworth. Steve reckons he can't fully care for the kids if he were to stay in Nowra, that he needed to be near his parents in Tamworth for that to happen. That way he could give them consistent care. Me, being in my weakened state, am unable to care for my kids, regardless of the fact that I am going to get better and that when I do, I will want increased access to my kids. In addition to that, mum and dad are not overly keen on having the kids underfoot when if I were to have shared care of them.

So that was it. Steve is moving to Tamworth at the end of the year.

I went down to the house that night to talk to Steve. I wanted to talk about what it would look like if I came home. We talked for several hours and came up with plans for me to come home and to minimise the stress and overwhelming. But as much as I wanted to be home with the kids, I wasn't sure that I wanted to be with Steve. He doesn't trust me and I don't trust him. And that's not really realtionship-building material.

So the following morning, I gave him my FINAL decision. I wanted to separate and eventually divorce. That was after I tried to slit my wrist late on Monday night.

So that's it. My babies are being moved away from me. I'm going to miss them. I feel like my heart is being ripped out.

I haven't done much in the past few days. I saw the podiatrist on Tuesday and am now treating my plantar warts with Thuja. I went for coffee with Amy and Mum yesterday and bought a new address book. I spent several hours transferring address details into it last night.

Today I have done cross-stitch, watched Heroes with mum and Amy, knitted, had coffee with Lee and caught up with Robyn. A lazy day in all really.

Amy talked to me today too about Ella. She and Lynton don't want me to be left alone with Ella while I'm sick. I totally understand where she is coming from... I have restrictions on what I can do with my own kids... but it still kind of hurt that she couldn't trust me with Ella after almost eight years of caring for my own children. Not that I should be surprised though, Amy has always held me at arms length. I'm not sure why, maybe she is trying to protect herself from me? I don't know... but I pray that somehow I can bridge the gap between us eventually.

So that's it for me today
If Dory is swimming, then I need to take a leaf out of her book although slightly altered - "just keep floating".

Lee and I talked today and my priorities need to be... "Pursue Jesus, get better, love my kids". If I can do that then it will be a successful day...

And on the upside... I have walked 3 times this week. I only need to incorporate 1 more walk this week and I have met my fitness goal. My nutrition goal of 2-3L water has been neglected a little. I need to get on top of that tomorrow...

4.11.07

2007-11-04T02:48:00.000-08:00

I had a huge sleep in today and woke up at about 11:30 with another headache. I took tablets and went to bed for another half an hour. Leah arrived with Dad not long after that, so I set her up in front of Playhouse Disney while I had a shower.

We knitted together, had hot chips for lunch, worked on her sticker book together. By about 4pm I started to get edgy. It was getting hard for me to keep Leah entertained. As soon as we finished one thing the next thing out of her mouth would be "what are we going to do next" and I was running out of things to entertain her with.

Tim and Mum had spent all of last night getting the internet set up on my computer so I took her into my bedroom and sat her down in front of the Playhouse Disney website. I sat with her because I thought that she might need some help navigating the website but she took to it like a duck to water. After half an hour or so, it became apparent that she didn't need me sitting next to her so I found solace in a basket of ironing.

We went to church after that and while the service was good (its always good - no, great, when Amy is leading) I had trouble engaging in the worship. I just wasn't feeling good. I was struggling just to be out in public and having Leah with me was making it harder. She played for most of the service on my laptop, which I brought with me, but her constant interruptions set me on edge.

After the service, I was bailed up by a lady in the church who wanted me to join the Christmas carols choir "because you have such a beautiful voice". I tried to get out of it by saying that I had alot going on in my life, but that I would think about it, and she nodded knowingly and wanted to know how I was going with the separation... "it must be hard for you". How the FRAK did she know what was going on. I was subjected to a 20minute impromptu counselling session, and because she was blocking the aisle, there was no way to escape it.

The minister, on the other hand, barely acknowledged me.

So right now I am feeling pretty crappy. I have struggled all afternoon and evening and am now waiting for sleeping tablets to kick in. I feel like I am on the edge and that if I were to be pushed any further that I would start coming up with suicide plans.

I have got to get to sleep

3.11.07

2007-11-03T01:06:00.000-07:00

Not much happening here today.

I woke up late (after getting to sleep at 2am!) I think it was around about midday. Had a THROBBING headache... it was awful.

I did some cross-stitching (yes, I know I am insane doing such fine work with a headache!) and then went into town with mum. I returned some jeans at Kmart and mum found Caleb and Jake's birthday presents.

We went to Gloria Jeans (no surprise there) and picked up some groceries. I went to Go-Lo and found the diary I wanted for 2008 (yes I AM organised!) I took a squiz on the way home at a nice looking car in the Holden yard which was only $4000. I can't wait until I can afford a car!

Have pretty much been cross-stitching and listening to music all afternoon. Oh, and I figured out my fortnightly budget.

Dinner and popping through p2p and I think I am going to go back now and do some more cross-stitching. Hopefully by the end of the night I will have internet access on my laptop so I can stop hogging mum's!

That's it in a nutshell for me today. No real emotions (I think the meds are working) although I did feel a little suicidal last night... getting there slowly.

2.11.07

2007-11-02T07:49:00.000-07:00

Had a lovely day today.

Hannah arrived around 9am. She watched Playhouse Disney while I had a shower. Then it was off to the park. We played on the swings, the rock climbing face and on the slippery slides. Hannah wanted to climb the rock climbing face and did pretty well, until she was almost at the top and she freaked out. So I had to help her over the top.
But apart from that, we had fun.

We had hot chips for lunch (well Hannah and Dad did, I just drank my Coke). And then Hannie had her snakes from the shop. We read the Rainbow Fish sticker book and put some stickers in it. We watched some Playhouse Disney together and then had a rest, which consisted of me napping between intervals of "Hannah! LIE DOWN!"

We played the computer and were suitably impressed with the amount of games we could play on the Playhouse Disney website...Then Hann went home with Steve.

I went to see Dr A this afternoon to give him my St John of God discharge papers, get a medical assessment for my driver's licence and so that he could look at my feet. It turns out that I have a very LARGE plantar wart on my left heel so I am booked in to see the podiatrist next week.

I went to Janet's house tonight for a Nutrimetics Spa. Some of the stuff is lovely. We got to exfoliate our hands and then massage some hand cream into our hands. I also made the decision to sign up for a Nutrimetics account. Wendy (my new upline) is coming over tomorrow to help me sign up over the internet.

I hung out with Janet for a while and then came home to work on my cross-stitch and have a SMS chat with Bel.

All in all it has been a pretty good day!

Night all.

1.11.07

2007-11-01T01:25:00.000-07:00

Woke up late this morning. Bolted down breakfast and missed out on a shower (ew1) Steve arrived with Caleb and stayed for a cup of tea. Once he left, we headed over to meet Amy and Ella.

We drove to Wollongong, parked the car at Crown Central and walked down to see Dr D. He was running later than we were (we had to stop to change Ella and, of course, get coffee!) and showed up about 15 minutes after we arrived. We talked about Steve, drugs and St John of God. He filled out mum's carers form and looked at my discharge papers. Pretty standard really.

After finishing up with Dr D, we walked back into Wollongong and had lunch in the food court. Amy fed Ella and then we looked in Pumpkin Patch. I LOVE their stuff. I picked out the kids Christmas outfits... its going to cost me just over $200. There's a reason why they only get an outfit at Christmas and one on their birthdays!

We went over to Myer so that Amy could look for a dress for the weddings she is going to on the weekend. I bought myself a cute little notebook, binder and pen all-in-one set up. Then Caleb and I went for a coffee while mum and Amy shopped some more. Amy found her dress and was very pleased with herself! We had more coffee (my definition of a good day!) and stopped at an accessories shop so that Amy could bling up her outfit. Last stop was the Body Shop....which I LOVE. I bought some strawberry soap and some strawberry shower gel. HEAVEN!

We drove home and took Caleb back to the house. He was SUCH a good boy today apart from a brief spat around 3pm because he was overtired. It consisted of him chucking his chips on the ground, followed by his hat. He sat in his pram and grunted for ten minutes or so and that was about it! I am so blessed to have him as a third child. He is such an easy going kid. He spent the whole trip home trying to keep himself awake looking for "cows", "trucks", talking to "ella", chucking "dummy" on the floor and "hi-five"ing "Nannie".

I stuck around while the kids had their dinner, which the girls were very happy about. Hannah is over the moon about spending the day with me tomorrow. She is planning on bringing her teddy book and an assortment of toys with her.

I am really tired now. I did over 6000 steps yesterday and I haven't a clue how many I have done today because I somehow managed to hit the reset button on my pedometer :( I've had a talk to mum about depression management too so that she can help me with the rough times. I had a bit of a wobbly one last night and talked it out with Steve. But I can't expect to be doing that anymore. Our relationship has changed and I need to remember that.

Well that's it for me today. I am going to veg out for the rest of the night!

31.10.07

2007-10-30T22:54:00.001-07:00

Woke up late and rushed some breakfast so that I could get down to the house to see Caleb. He was in a grate mood and was saying "water" "away" "open" "hat" "cat". He was obsessed with putting Hannah's toy cat into its cat carrier and then taking it back out again. He tried to put the horse in a few times but quickly worked out that it didn't fit.

It was so nice to have cuddles and play with him. I'm going to miss that.

Steve and I talked some more about custody arrangements but made no headway. He still wants to move to Tamworth with the kids at the end of the year.

He and dad are going to see Leah's psychologist next week to get a professional opinion of what would be in the kids best interest. So we'll see where we go from there.

I went shopping this afternoon. I had a $500 windfall from a generous benefactor so I went into town to pay off some laybys and buy some more clothes I had been eyeing off. And I still have money over to put towards my car!

It is the first time ever I think, that I have bought a WHOLE new summer wardrobe (none of my old stuff fits me). It was quite exciting.

I got my walk in today and I am wearing my pedometer so I will report the amount of steps tomorrow. Going to Wollongong with Amy, Mum, Ella and Caleb tomorrow. I have to see Dr D and Amy has to shop (no surprises there!) so I think I will have to drink coffee! Lol!

As for emotions, I had a scary "intrusive thought" about dropping Ella today. So I handed her back to Amy. Its not that I was going to drop her, but it really frightened me because the vision was so real. The zyprexa is still slowly working its way into my system, but it shouldn't be too long now before everything settles down.

But all in all, apart from the chat with Steve, I've had quite a good day. Its nice to feel happy for once.. even if it is just over the shopping.

Fi's Twelve Step Plan

2007-10-30T04:04:00.000-07:00

I'm putting it up here so I don't lose it LOL!

DIETARY
Week ONE - Protein for breakfast (eggs)
Week TWO - 2-3L water per day
Week THREE - No carbs after midday
Week FOUR - Limit 3x coffee per day
Week FIVE - Yoghurt for morning tea
Week SIX - Fruit for afternoon tea
Week SEVEN - Switch to decaf
Week EIGHT - Eliminate spreads
Week NINE - Coke Zero ONLY
Week TEN - Skim Lattes ONLY
Week ELEVEN - Eliminate dessert
Week TWELVE - Eliminate all remaining refined sugar

PHYSICAL
Week ONE - Walk 3 times per week
Week TWO - Walk 4 times per week
Week THREE - Walk 5 times per week
Week FOUR - Walk 6 times per week
Week FIVE - Walk 7 times per week
Week SIX - Extend walking course
Swim once per week
Week SEVEN - Walk 7 times per week
Swim 2 times per week
Week EIGHT - Walk 7 times per week
Swim 3 times per week
Week NINE - Walk 7 times per week
Swim 3 times per week
Body Balance once per week
Week TEN - Walk 7 times per week
Swim 3 times per week
Body Balance 2 times per week
Week ELEVEN - Walk 7 times per week
Swim 3 times per week
Body Balance 2 times per week
Body Pump once per week
Week TWELVE - Walk 7 times per week
Swim 3 times per week
Body Balance 2 times per week
Body Pump 2 times per week

So far so good!

30.10.07

2007-10-30T02:18:00.000-07:00

I forgot to add yesterday, that I whaled in at 125.7kg. Hopefully, the only way is down!

Mum and Dad are up at college. It is dusk and I am sitting outside, listening to the birdsong and Cheeky chirping back at it. The air is cool and the clouds have undertones of soft grey.

I've just discovered that Sari likes classical music. I was being silly with the dogs and was singing the Veggie Tales "puppies are cuddly..." song. When I got to "if ever one day I were queen!" I crescendoed (yes I know its not a real word) and sang the final note operatically. Sari started baying. So I decided to test the theory and sang "O del mio dolce ador", dusting the cobwebs off my voice. Sure enough, whenever I hit the high notes, Sari accompanied me with her baying. It was very funny!

I got to wear my new jeans today and my new blue top. They are VERY comfortable. And they look OK too But its going to be a long while before I look OK in them. I had scrambled eggs and cheese for breakfast this morning, which was very yummy and the first step in my 12 week plan. I have only had about 600ml of water today but I'm sure I'll drink more tonight. As for the walk? It didn't happen today. My plans to walk over to the house to visit Caleb were foiled because Steve took him out for the morning. So I'm walking tomorrow morning. But at least I've made a start with the eggs.

I bummed around the house this morning answering emails and playing on p2p and Facebook. Had a bit of a chance to talk to Jeremy which was nice. His son has been in hospital, poor baby, having surgery on his thumb, which was slammed in a door.

Amy rang and asked me if I wanted to go out for coffee - which of course, I did! While I waited for Amy to pick me up, I finished Leah's poncho. An accomplishment! Now I have to put it away for next year. Amy arrived and we went down to GJ's for coffee and I had a caramel slice (naughty Fi). Its so nice to be spending some time with Amy, hopefully we can bridge the gap slowly that has kept us at arms length for years.

We picked up some groceries at Coles and then Amy dropped me home. I applied online for jobs at Coles and Woolies and I already have my application in for a produce assistant at Woolies. I have been thinking that it would be nice to do something. Not too much, maybe 20 hours a week. Just enough to give me some pocket money and keep me busy until I go back to study next year. It will hopefully help me pay for a car to get around in.

I spent some time on the phone with Steve this afternoon sorting out all things financial and I made an appointment to see my GP for Friday at 3:45. I used mum's aerofit and walked for 5 minutes at 580 steps. Which reminds me. I have to pick up my pedometer when I'm over at the house next. And my camera. My list keeps getting bigger and bigger!

Rachel rang me and we had a really good talk about Bipolar, depression, the separation and how God moves in our lives. She is so sweet. I think I'm making a friend to keep with Rachel. She is so supportive. Come to think of it, most of the girls in my biblestudy are.

I got to talk to Liana today too. It was really good having a chance to talk over the separation in detail with someone. I haven't REALLY talked about it with anyone since it happened, just aspects of it. Its hard though, its put me in touch with some deeper emotions. I don't want to lose my kids but I don't want to fight. I want some middle ground to negotiate on, maybe get some mediation. I don't know if I will cope if Steve moves my babies all the way to Tamworth. I'm waiting on what the psychologist says next week. She is going to give us a professional opinion on what is in the best interest of the kids... especially Leah.

Anyway, I am tired now. But it has actually been an OK day.

So that's me for the moment.

Fi Friendly Pages

Just a quick one

I have a plan....

Home again - home again

She's Leaving Home.... Bye Bye

Daring to dream??

Moving forward...

Fi's Excellent Adventure!

Another week - another post

A weekend in Tamworth

I know its been silent for awhile *blushes*

I, Borg

Oh what fun we had!

Oooh SO excited!

DEFINITELY not a teacher!

This news just in....

Blogging from a far off land...

A birthday update!

Something in the making...

The week in focus

A vest for Aiden!

My babies have gone home... :(

Oops! Must add photo!

A lopsided photo...

How to Train Your Dragon and The Last Song

Photo of the show!

Cooling off at Callala (not that it was all that hot!!!)

One sock down...

What I'm working on...

Photo of the day - again err... yesterday!

Photo of the Day (well... er... yesterday)

Exhausted

Photo of the day...

A park, a train and another park!

Days one and two with the kids...

More of The Velveteen Rabbit (the movie)

The Velveteen Rabbit (the movie)

Finally Coming Home

Wide open...

It's about time!!!

Testing mobile device

Reconnecting

PLEASE NOTE!!!

THE FRIENDLIEST FI PAGES!

The Getting of Wisdom...

Resurrecting dreams...

Its called a pedestrian crossing - LADY!

Fi on Friday!

Precious

Photos!

All Is Calm, All Is Bright (well, almost...)

Leavin' On A Jet Plane

2010? It's gonna be great!

What's the buzz?

My bad...

Studying and knitting...

Exhausted!

Waiting.... waiting....

A learning curve...

A mixed bag of a week...

*Sheepish Grin*

Leah's Story

Back to it!

Happy New Year!

28 Days Until Christmas!

A slower pace

Let the whirlwind begin!

Birthdays and more

Bored

Back to School

1 more sleep to go!

Missing my kids

Buried in books

Lots happening

I go to Kindy!

Getting into shape

Great Expectations

Good things afoot...

25.11.07

23.11.07

I know its been silent for awhile blushes

Sheepish Grin