4.11.07

I had a huge sleep in today and woke up at about 11:30 with another headache. I took tablets and went to bed for another half an hour. Leah arrived with Dad not long after that, so I set her up in front of Playhouse Disney while I had a shower.

We knitted together, had hot chips for lunch, worked on her sticker book together. By about 4pm I started to get edgy. It was getting hard for me to keep Leah entertained. As soon as we finished one thing the next thing out of her mouth would be "what are we going to do next" and I was running out of things to entertain her with.

Tim and Mum had spent all of last night getting the internet set up on my computer so I took her into my bedroom and sat her down in front of the Playhouse Disney website. I sat with her because I thought that she might need some help navigating the website but she took to it like a duck to water. After half an hour or so, it became apparent that she didn't need me sitting next to her so I found solace in a basket of ironing.

We went to church after that and while the service was good (its always good - no, great, when Amy is leading) I had trouble engaging in the worship. I just wasn't feeling good. I was struggling just to be out in public and having Leah with me was making it harder. She played for most of the service on my laptop, which I brought with me, but her constant interruptions set me on edge.

After the service, I was bailed up by a lady in the church who wanted me to join the Christmas carols choir "because you have such a beautiful voice". I tried to get out of it by saying that I had alot going on in my life, but that I would think about it, and she nodded knowingly and wanted to know how I was going with the separation... "it must be hard for you". How the FRAK did she know what was going on. I was subjected to a 20minute impromptu counselling session, and because she was blocking the aisle, there was no way to escape it.

The minister, on the other hand, barely acknowledged me.

So right now I am feeling pretty crappy. I have struggled all afternoon and evening and am now waiting for sleeping tablets to kick in. I feel like I am on the edge and that if I were to be pushed any further that I would start coming up with suicide plans.

I have got to get to sleep