Fi on Friday!

One of my best buddies - Rachel - rang me yesterday afternoon for a catch up...

Rach is one of the most beautiful people in Nowra, whom sadly, I have had to leave behind for my Canberra adventure.... Its the love and the beautiful heart of people like Rach that make me miss Nowra incredibly and why I am planning on travelling back to Nowra once a fortnight for weekend visits... That, and my heart for New Future New Hope...

Rach has a wonderful husband and two beautiful daughters, the youngest of whom has Autism. Building a relationship with Rach and her precious family over the past three years has taught me so much about Autism, so much about Leah and so much about myself... I wouldn't have come as far as I have if it hadn't been for the support and love of Rach and her family, and other dear friends like Steph and Kev, Lee and Janet and Liana and Gav...

Jessie has blossomed over the past three years as well - and from a rocky start - and a heavy amount of initial distrust, we have weathered many storms together and I have learned so much about hyper-stimulation, sensory intolerances and about listening for the beautiful gems of wisdom that Jessie will often come out with at the least likely of moments!

Jessie and I are now firm friends and just prior to leaving for Canberra, she would start out the school week talking about Fi on Friday and looking forward to the end of the week when I would drop in for an hour (or sometimes more!).

No doubt, remembering Fi on Friday, Rach picked up the phone yesterday afternoon and called for a catch-up...

It was SO good to hear her voice! I had been missing her terribly!

We talked about my week and her week, we talked about the kids all starting back at school. We talked about musicals and Rach shared an idea for a birthday present for Leah - inspired by a Christmas present for Jessie which she had loved and was a very tactile experience (read Autism here...)

And then we chatted a little more about my journey - how Rach had felt that I had changed somewhat - seemed quite different over the past couple of months - and how my family were still struggling with and coming to terms with that.

Rach expressed concern - as had my family and my doctors - at my earlier posts leading up to hospital and I was able to share with her - what I will now share with my blog followers - a revelation that dad and I had on the way home from Mirrabook on the 21st...

When I had met the kids FINALLY at Maitland station at 1pm on January 12th we sat down to lunch at a little cafe with their grandparents John and Helen who had just driven them from Tamworth for the second time in 48 hours...

Helen had a copy of some photos that had been taken by Steve's brother's ex-MIL at the wedding. The kids were desperate to show me - and I steeled myself - I had always known that I would see photos of the wedding but I had hoped that the photos would just be of the kids in their bridal party garb and one or two of the happy couple.

As much as I was truly happy for Steve and Bec - it still hurt that he had chosen another over me - and always will.

So we looked through the photos and the kids started telling me all about their day.

The girls had been up until 11pm the night before the wedding, and from all reports from John and Helen, you never would have guessed it because they were perfectly behaved all day and into the evening at the reception as well.

As we flicked through photos of Steve's brothers; John and Helen; Jessica (their cousin); and her grandparents; and came to photos of the bridal party - the girls started to tell me about Ema (Bec's) bridesmaid.

She was Bec's best friend from high school and her name was Leah. And she was married to a Tim. And I think Bec also has a cousin called Hannah?

So many little connections that on their own would have been insignificant, but together started mounting towards a bigger picture....

Then the girls showed me the photos after the ceremony...

After the ceremony, everyone went outside the church. Steve, Bec, Leah, Hannah and Caleb were each handed a little white box with a window in it and the words The Griffiths Family. Inside each box was a butterfly.

As a symbol of a new beginning - everyone released their butterflies.

As I looked at the photos of the butterfly release I murmured "How beautiful" and yet I thought, "How sad - I am no longer part of the Griffiths Family."

As I fought back tears, Hannah then told me "her story" that she had been adamant that Leah was not to share as Leah had explained the butterfly ceremony.

As the butterflies were released, one flew back to Hannah and sat on her arm. And it wouldn't leave. It stayed with her for the rest of the day - even got into the car with them to the reception. At the reception, she told me, they had to let it go because it had a broken wing.

I held my breath as she told that story... This family that Steve had been building - all of the connections - everything seemed SO right - there was so much confirmation even in the little things...

And yet this butterfly? How could I not read symbolism into that? How could I not see myself as the butterfly that had returned and in the end had to be released because of its broken wing?

And as events unfolded with Hannah over the next 24 hours - how could I not see symbolism in the fact that the butterfly (me) had returned to Hannah of all of the children and would not leave?



When my parents met me at Central they began to become concerned about me. Dad said that I was talking non-stop: a mile-a-minute.

What I didn't realise at the time, and what they had feared, was that I had somehow gone into overload due to the events of the past month and a bit, more recently due to Steve's remarriage, and even more recently that than due to being stranded in Maitland with no money and very little food for over 48 hours...

Yes - I had gone into overload - but not due to those events - I was totally at peace with the journey that I had been on - but rather due to the butterfly ceremony and the symbolism that was never far from my mind...

I went into overload - subconsciously trying to make the kids holiday the best one that we had ever had and desperately trying to push all thoughts of Steve and his new family from my mind....

Mum and dad to this day believe that there was no spider. That I was delusional. The ambulance officers never looked at the bite site as my leg was in a compression bandage before they arrived, and two hours after arriving at hospital, the doctor inspected the site to find no puncture wounds and no marks despite massive amounts of swelling which had been put down to my broken leg from less than a month earlier.

I disagree - but you know what? Its really not important. Whether I was still desperately trying to deny that my family as I knew it was finally irretriveable and had been pushed to the bounds of delusional or whether my pre-hospital posts were just an intelligent mind putting 1 and 1 together and getting 1.1, it really doesn't matter.

What matters was that my parents feared the worst and requested that I go to hospital.

And as a result, a new journey has begun.

I spent 6 days in hospital under very close observation.

I got the confirmation that I was pursuing - that my understanding of my illness was in fact correct and that I was not manic, delusional or psychotic.

I was released into the care of my father, who after several meetings with my doctors had also come to accept my diagnosis.

I now have a rocky journey ahead. I haven't spoken to most of my family - bar my brother Shane and my father- in over 10 days now.

They have not contacted me, and out of respect, I am maintaining my distance.

There is alot of hurt, alot of delusion, alot of confusion and a past marred with lies, manipulation, fear and a desperate attempt to hold the world at arms length because I had no idea of what was going on myself - let alone how to explain that to those closest to me - even my husband.

This is a road that is going to be marred with potholes, pebbles, rocks and boulders - it is steep on both sides - and at times I feel like I am navigating it blindfolded.

But I am not. My Father God is here, my brother and best friend Jesus is walking right beside me - and the Holy Spirit is guiding my feet.

I am not alone - and neither is my family.

I am trusting in this with all of my heart.

And as Rach suggested, I am pressing into God, searching my heart, and praying that when I finally am reunited with my family that I will have the discernment, the wisdom and the humility to relate honestly with each member of my family and not cause anyone to stumble anymore.

So please, pray for me. Pray for my family. And pray for restoration.

A continuation of God's work...

"In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus."
Philippians 1:4-6