7.11.07

Its been a couple of days since I last posted.

Monday I found out that Steve and the kids are DEFINITELY moving to Tamworth. Steve and Dad went to see Leah's psychologist on Monday. I was worried but was expecting the psychologist to say that it was in the kids best interest to have equal access to both parents. That sounds fair and logical doesn't it?

Instead she said that the kids needed consistency. As far as mum, dad and Steve are concerned, that means moving to Tamworth. Steve reckons he can't fully care for the kids if he were to stay in Nowra, that he needed to be near his parents in Tamworth for that to happen. That way he could give them consistent care. Me, being in my weakened state, am unable to care for my kids, regardless of the fact that I am going to get better and that when I do, I will want increased access to my kids. In addition to that, mum and dad are not overly keen on having the kids underfoot when if I were to have shared care of them.

So that was it. Steve is moving to Tamworth at the end of the year.

I went down to the house that night to talk to Steve. I wanted to talk about what it would look like if I came home. We talked for several hours and came up with plans for me to come home and to minimise the stress and overwhelming. But as much as I wanted to be home with the kids, I wasn't sure that I wanted to be with Steve. He doesn't trust me and I don't trust him. And that's not really realtionship-building material.

So the following morning, I gave him my FINAL decision. I wanted to separate and eventually divorce. That was after I tried to slit my wrist late on Monday night.

So that's it. My babies are being moved away from me. I'm going to miss them. I feel like my heart is being ripped out.

I haven't done much in the past few days. I saw the podiatrist on Tuesday and am now treating my plantar warts with Thuja. I went for coffee with Amy and Mum yesterday and bought a new address book. I spent several hours transferring address details into it last night.

Today I have done cross-stitch, watched Heroes with mum and Amy, knitted, had coffee with Lee and caught up with Robyn. A lazy day in all really.

Amy talked to me today too about Ella. She and Lynton don't want me to be left alone with Ella while I'm sick. I totally understand where she is coming from... I have restrictions on what I can do with my own kids... but it still kind of hurt that she couldn't trust me with Ella after almost eight years of caring for my own children. Not that I should be surprised though, Amy has always held me at arms length. I'm not sure why, maybe she is trying to protect herself from me? I don't know... but I pray that somehow I can bridge the gap between us eventually.

So that's it for me today
If Dory is swimming, then I need to take a leaf out of her book although slightly altered - "just keep floating".

Lee and I talked today and my priorities need to be... "Pursue Jesus, get better, love my kids". If I can do that then it will be a successful day...

And on the upside... I have walked 3 times this week. I only need to incorporate 1 more walk this week and I have met my fitness goal. My nutrition goal of 2-3L water has been neglected a little. I need to get on top of that tomorrow...